Wednesday, December 1, 2004 | Fiction
A Fairly Balanced Look at Rightwing Propaganda
At the Cover Shoot for The O’Reilly Factor for Kids
Deborah Feinberg, photographer.
Bill O’Reilly, author/subject.
Deborah: | Bill! Where the hell are you? We only got twenty minutes here. |
O’Reilly: | I was just looking for something. I had this idea. |
Deborah: | Come on outta there. I got everything set up. |
O’Reilly: | Wait! Here it is. Thought you might have one of these back here. |
Deborah: | A Santa Claus outfit?! |
O’Reilly: | Yeah. See, my idea is this. I already have the friendly, round, face. I put on this beard and the whole shot, and then I look even more jolly than usual. Kids love Santa, and they trust him, too. Make the perfect dust jacket! |
Deborah: | I don’t know, Bill. I think you’ll only look more smug than usual. And you could end up looking like some pudgy creep, but with a fake beard. |
O’Reilly: | Aw, come on. That’s the idea, anyway; to look like both Santa, and O’Reilly. Let’s give it a try. |
Deborah: | For cryin’ out loud, Bill. You got that sexual harassment thing already. You dress up like this, people might think you’re a pedophile, too! |
O’Reilly: | But I’m giving kids valuable gifts in this book, just like Santa does. I warn how if they ever whine, or ask anything but obvious questions, they grow up to be wimpy liberal morons! Hey, I can even tell ’em who’s naughty or nice! Come on! This is my great present to children. I gotta do this! |
Deborah: | Will you get that crap off! We got less than fifteen minutes left now! Jesus Christ! |
O’Reilly: | Debbie! Sweetheart! I could kiss you! I don’t know why I didn’t think of it! “Suffer the little children to come unto me!” That’s an even better image! Hey, no one can bitch about Jesus! Lemme lose this red shit. I’ll suck my cheeks in; you put some light around my head. Any chance you got a crown of thorns around here? |
George Motisher first achieved fame as a scientist. He set up the original double-blind study that proved conclusively which items actually did beat a poke in the eye with a sharp stick, and has recently conducted research into how socio-economic factors play a role in turning good cholesterol bad. His research results have been published in Well Known Scientific Journal and Respected International Quarterly, and he has been recognized by Prestigious Organization of World-Renowned Researchers. He became a writer as part of a study of poverty.