— Fiction —

Memo to Human Resources

to: Human Resources
from: David John

Regarding the recent complaint lodged by “C” (and we all know it’s Caroline from accounting), I feel compelled to offer this point-by-point response.

1. I’m quite sure I recall receiving a management memo about “No Pants Wednesdays.”
2. By “a hot piece of tail,” I was referring to the oxtail soup at Haversham’s. It’s divine.
3. Everyone else in the department applauded my a cappella version of the Purple Rain soundtrack.
4. If I don’t bookmark those pornographic survivalist sites, how the hell am I supposed to find my way back there again?
5. Company policy clearly bars pets from the workplace. As Killer and Rex are trained for combat and serve as a supplementary source of income, I do not believe the “pet” designation applies.
6. My remarks concerning “sexy leather nuns” were taken entirely out of context. I was relating childhood anecdotes, having been raised by a Catholic order founded by retired strippers and ex-priests with a fondness for garter belts and Sterno.
7. I did NOT “proposition” anyone in the women’s washroom during the Christmas party. I merely solicited opinions on certain recent body piercings—and besides, I offered to pay.
8. The Beatles were, are, and always will be better than the Rolling Stones. I’m just sorry the debate spilled over into the parking garage and that innocent bystanders ended up in the hospital.
9. Last Thursday’s “Italian Splatter Film Festival” in the East Wing Conference Room was an unqualified success. Ed from IT has always been a little “off,” and his subsequent rampage could not have been anticipated beforehand.
10. Since I began drafting this response, I’ve learned that “C” is in fact Carl from marketing. He’s just a stinking midget and therefore unworthy of my further time and attention. (Excuse me, I meant “little person.” They like to be called that now.)