— Listicles —

Three Quick Ones

Really Tough Improv Suggestions

You are …

… a potted plant.

… the tailpipe of a car with the engine turned off.

… a bow tie.

… a discarded toothpick.

… frozen stiff in a block of ice (without any kind of funny look on your face—in fact, no one can see you, but you’re in there, way down deep, somewhere).

… mold.

*     *     *

Every Third Word in the Answer to the Question “What Is the Meaning of Life?”

______ ____ godhead ____ ________ Manitoba ________ ____ foreskin ____ ________ redemption. ____ ____ agony ____ ___ ocelot ____ ____ Wimbledon. ____ ______ should ____ ____ mankind ____ _______ Spielberg ____ ____ infinity? ____ ____ sublime __ ______ libidinous ___ ____ Microsoft _______ ____ rebirth? ____ _________ [glyph representing the Artist Formerly Known as Prince] __________ _______ ecstasy!

*     *     *

Rethinking the Potential Consequences of Two Bad Habits

Cross your eyes: go blind.

Masturbate: stay that way.