— Fiction —

Non-Chip-Related Letters I've Written to Chip Companies

Dear Pringles,

I just saw your new commercial. You know, the one with the ragtag group of peacock trainers who beat the odds and win the big surfing contest? Well, much to my surprise, I noticed that I’m in the commercial. I’m not a celebrity or an astronaut, but there I am as the sixth celebrity-astronaut surfing-contest judge from the left. While I suppose I ought to be up in arms about the fact that I was probably drugged and forced to act in a commercial without my permission or knowledge and presumably outside of the bounds of the Screen Actors Guild (of which I’m not a member (unless they drugged me too!)), I’m just too tickled by the whole thing to raise any kind of huff. I TiVoed the spot and have been showing all of my neighbors, amateur boxing rivals, relatives, and professional skeet-shooting allies ever since. Can I expect to see myself in anymore of your television ads?

Sincerely,
Matthew Tobey

* * *

Dear Better Made,

Have you seen my collection of world-leader pockets? The last time I knew I had it was at a charity auction to raise money to fight fish. I beat out Julie Tilly (rarely seen sister of Meg and Jennifer) on a change pocket from John Major’s swim trunks and figured my luck couldn’t get better, so I decided to head home. Now, I’ve never been to your offices, nor do I even know where they are. In fact, I’m not even sure if you’re a real chip company and not just some chip company like Knee-Head Jackson’s Boiled Tater Chips that I dreamed about after a raucous night of carousing and festivitating. Nonetheless, I’ve looked everywhere else and pray with all of my might that the bottle I’m about to put this letter into reaches you.

Godspeed,
Matthew Tobey

* * *

Dear Ruffles,

Who do you think would win in a fight, a duck or a guy? What if the duck had a knife? What if the guy had never seen a duck before and also had a stick? In either fighter’s case, would alchemy serve as an advantage or a hindrance? What if the duck had a gun? Also, have you seen the new Pringles commercials? You’re reading a letter written by the sixth celebrity-astronaut surfing-contest-judge from the left. Listen: between you, me, the duck, and the guy, I’m not averse to jumping ship if a better offer comes along. Think about it.

Regards,
Matthew Tobey

* * *

Dear AT&T,

Do you sell harmonicas now? I know you’re a telephone and telegraph company, but I figured since you recently broke into the highly competitive snack-chip business that you might have also made a foray into the equally rough-and-tumble harmonica industry. Anyway, if you have and you need some harmonicas at a reasonable rate, I have a ton that I’ve collected over the years. I’m liquidating my harmonica collections so I can focus my attentions on my pocket and knapsack collections as well as my burgeoning commercial acting career. If you thought the timbre of my writing rings familiar, that’s why: I was recently cast as the second cross-dressing plumber from the right in your latest chip commercial.

Love always,
Matthew Tobey

* * *

Dear Lay’s,

Have you seen my knapsack autographed by Ralph Nader and Kevin Costner? I haven’t lost it, I was just wondering if you’ve seen it, because it kicks motherfucking ass. Next time you start talking about how hot your autographed knapsack is, you better check to see who’s standing behind you, bitch!

Yours in Christ,
Matthew Tobey