— Fiction —

Blood Drive

Did you know that at least 700 blood donors are needed daily in the Pittsburgh area to supply the 40-plus local hospitals? Did you know that you can save a life by donating just a small amount of blood? Of course you don’t, you’re a punk-ass bitch!

This flyer is directed at all you gang-bangers out there, and you know who you are. I’m talking to you, Jiggy Wax. I’m talking to you, SlimBoy FatPants. I’m talking to all of y’all. My name is Father Seamus McDoogal—the new padre in town—and I’m not afraid of you. I will now give you the straight-up, non-jive version of life, because I realize you peeps appreciate keepin’ it real.

Life ain’t about takin’. It’s about givin’.

There. Lecture over. Now to the point:

My altar boys tell me a fight is planned for Saturday night. Before you get all freaked out about the Man coming down on you and cramping your fighting style and whatnot, dig this: I want you to fight. You heard me right, hooligans. I want you to fight! Mind you, I don’t want anyone killed, or “offed” or what have you, I just want a clean, bare-knuckle brawl with lots of bloodshed. Read this carefully and take it to heart:

YOU HAVE THE LORD’S PERMISSION TO PUNCH EACH OTHER IN THE FACE.

Now don’t get all whacked-out excited, homies. Keep reading. There’s a catch.

If you don’t want me to call the cops, if you want privacy for your rumble, you need to “collect” the bloodshed. I’ve invented something I call a “blood collector thing”—a small, plastic tube with a cap. It’s perfect for collecting blood. When y’all start smackin’ each other upside the heads, why waste all that precious juice? Why not do the right thing and donate it?

Along with my boyz on the Pittsburgh Steelers and various law-enforcement officials, I’m running this year’s blood drive—and I’m takin’ it WAY serious. My patented “blood collector things” are totally free—to get one, all you do is go to Room 112 of the municipal courts building at 660 First Avenue on Friday between 10 a.m. and 5 p.m. and give your fingerprints and a urine sample. What could be easier? You’ll also get to meet a Steeler and get a free 2004 Steelers Yearbook. Best of all, Father Doogs don’t rat your sorry asses out.

Some of you may think you’re smart. You’re thinkin’, yo, no one donates exposed blood. Well think again, punks. Now you can. Maybe y’all should read a science newspaper once in while.

Remember, go to Room 112 of the municipal courts building at 660 First Avenue on Friday between 10 a.m. and 5 p.m. Ask for a “blood collector thing.” Ask to meet a Steeler. Get a free Yearbook. And have a great fight!