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From the Y.P.aRchives Fun, Fickle Fiction (for Free!) Fact, Opinion, Essay, & Review Spectacular Features, Calendrical Happenings, Media Gadflies Poetry & Lyric Advice, How To, & Self-Help Listicles Semi-Frequent Columns Letter from the Editors Disquieting Modern Trends Interviews Interviews with Interviewers One-Question Interviews The Book Club Media Gadflies Calendrical Happenings Roasts Correspondence (Letters To and Letters From) Letters from Y.P.R. Letters to Y.P.R. Birthday Cards to Celebrities Pop Stars in Hotel Rooms Shreek of the Week of the Day Polish Facts: An Antidote to the Polish Joke The Y.P.aRt Gallery Illustrious Illustration Photography Photomontage Graphic Design Logo Gallery What's Up with That? Fuit Salad Nick's Guff Vermont Girl The M_methicist Daily Garfield Digest New & Noteworthy Contributors' Notes Et Cetera, Et Cetera, Et Cetera The Y.P.aRchives
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Tuesday, July 20, 2004

— Fiction —
Next Time on The Surreal Life …

Next time on The Surreal Life …

Mary Lou Retton becomes incensed when the Indian from the Village People leaves the toilet seat up again, but things are in a decidedly sunnier mood on the other end of the house where Dustin “Screech” Diamond has fallen head over heels for a giant moth pupa. Will his feelings stay the same when she emerges from her cocoon and reveals herself to be a manifestation of his mother?

* * *

Next time on The Surreal Life …

The whole gang is in danger of being fired from their jobs at the nightclub when they are late again, but Eddie Money has a zany idea that just might stop all of the clocks in the house from constantly melting. Meanwhile, filmmaker Matthew Barney stops by and offers one lucky housemate the chance for an extravagant day away from the house at a swanky spa. With 90 seconds on the clock, who can find the most phalluses hidden in the pool filled with blood and faceless babies?

* * *

Next time on The Surreal Life …

Birth Death Birth Death Birth Death Birth Death Birth Death Birth Death Birth Death Birth Death Birth Death Birth Death Vagina Birth Death Birth Death Birth Death Birth Death Spatula Birth Death Birth Death Birth Death Birth Death Birth Death Birth Death Birth Death Birth Death Filth Birth Death Birth Death Birth Death Birth Death Birth Death Birth Death Birth Death Birth Death Birth Death Birth Death Christ Birth Death Birth Death Birth Death Birth Death Birth Death Birth Death Birth Death Birth Death Semen. Meanwhile, Ickey Woods and Melissa Rivers plan a special surprise for Jessica Hahn’s birthday.

* * *

Next time on The Surreal Life …

When the tension over the toilet-seat situation finally comes to a head, things take a turn for the sexy as Mary Lou Retton and the Indian from the Village People finally confess their true feelings for each other and end up in a lengthy make-out session. Later in the day, at the urging of a melancholy German-speaking Boston terrier, Connie Sellecca eats a live dove and instantly gives birth to her father in the form of Arsenio Hall.

By day, Matthew Tobey is an editor for All Movie Guide. By night, he operates the Web log The City of Floating Blogs. By afternoon, he will have thought of at least three things that would have made this bio funnier. He is happily married, used to edit Haypenny and enjoys writing about himself in the third person. He can be contacted at mtobey@gmail.com.