Tuesday, June 29, 2004

— Fiction —
Why I’ll Never Be Granted a Home Equity Loan

Citibank
100 Citibank Drive
P.O. Box 769004
San Antonio, TX, 78245-9004

June 29, 2004

Dear Mr. Wolinetz,

We have received and processed your application for a home equity loan. At this time, we’re unable to extend a loan to you in the amount of $1,000,000.00.

We’ve chosen to reject your application for the following reasons:

You’ve racked up nearly $250,000 of revolving debt on credit cards. We’ve never even heard of half of the lending companies that have extended you credit and we’re a bank, Mr. Wolinetz. Perhaps, when you’ve paid back some of this debt, we’ll be able to consider granting you a loan.

You don’t own a home. We don’t care what kind of documentation you can drum up. You do not own Gracie Mansion. It belongs to the city of New York.

We’ve contacted every single one of the references that you’ve listed. Not only will they not testify to your character, none of them even claim to know you. In fact, we had to go hunting for their correct phone numbers. Every number listed here is for the stationary store around the corner from your home.

We prefer ink (blue or black) to green crayon on our applications.

Address has two ‘d’s. Did you attend the 3rd grade?

Nude pictures do not sweeten the deal for us, particularly when they are of you. Also, you may want to get that mole checked out.

We’re a lending institution, not a charity, Mr. Wolinetz. If you’re looking for some quick cash, may we suggest selling some blood? Perhaps you should contact one of those guys from Nigeria. Apparently, they have tons of money lying around that they’re just dying to transfer into your bank account. Trust us when we say that you’ve got a better shot at getting their money than you do ours.

Good day,
Martin Harvey

Geoff Wolinetz cannot be found on IMDb because the Hollywood community refuses to acknowledge the production of his seminal masterpiece Come What May, a gritty psychothriller starring a guy who kind of looks like Billy Baldwin and Erin Gray (formerly of “Silver Spoons”). If he were to be found on IMDb, his name would fall between “Geoff Witcher” and “Geoff Wood.” In addition to his imaginary film career, Geoff also maintains an imaginary career as a baron of industry, is lead singer of the imaginary band Kick Ass, Falco, holds an imaginary Olympic gold medal and is an imaginary Pulitzer laureate in the field of journalism for his investigative piece on the albinos of Alaska.

— Etc. —

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