New & Noteworthy
Sally Forth

Hey, remember The Fourth of July, 2003? We don't, but found this in our archives:

Fourth of July Fourthiness.

Independence is on the march, patriots.

& Recently . . .

Kurt Cobain's Ghost with an Invitation to a Fourth of July Picnic and Fireworks by Angela Genusa

"B.L.T.": A Review by Will Layman

Ten Tiny Poems by Brian Beatty

Angry Words from a Gnome Who to This Day Continues to Think the Human Genome Project Was Actually The Human Gnome Project by David Ng

Key Party, N.Y.C., Circa Always by William K. Burnette

A Day on the Phone with Mythological Norse Firewarrior, Bringer of Storms by Aaron Belz

Polish Fact

Military Manpower:
10,354,978 (2003 est.)
[Army, Navy(!), & Air Force]

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Learn Portuguese!
Christ Doce! Esse prostitute é realmente um homem!
Sweet Christ, that prostitute is really a man!

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Tuesday, May 18, 2004   |    Letters (from)

Dear Game Show Network

by Geoff Wolinetz

GSN (Game Show Network)
Attn: Consumer Affairs
2150 Colorado Avenue
Santa Monica, CA 90404

Dear Game Show Network,

Congratulations on your recent name change from the far too verbose Game Show Network to the wonderfully pithy GSN. Hopefully, this altered moniker will attract newer, younger viewers and expose a new generation to the wonders of Charles Nelson Reilly’s toupee. Come to think of it: CNR. GSN. You should get CSN (Crosby, Stills, & Nash) to record some kind of theme song for you. Perhaps you could work “Suite: Judy Blue Eyes” into the music.

Though I love your network, my kudos are not the reason for this letter. I have an idea for a new spin on existing GSN original programming. I was watching your show in bed the other night. My girlfriend was out of town on a fishing trip with the girls. As I do every evening, I flipped over to GSN in search of entertainment to quench my unbearable game-show yen. I caught a show featuring two gentlemen engaged in various bizarre competitions. The name of this show was “Kenny vs. Spenny,” featuring a man named Kenny and another man named Spenny (né Spencer). I found myself laughing so hard that I had to turn away from the TV. As I turned, I caught a glimpse of my girlfriend (her picture is tattooed on my arm). It hit me like the sack of sweet Valencia oranges that Bing Crosby used to beat his kids with.

My girlfriend’s name is Jenny. She is an actress. Don’t you see? “Kenny vs. Spenny vs. JENNY!” It’s bloody brilliant. It gives the show a female element without ruining the rhyme scheme. I know, I couldn’t believe it either. It was sitting right in front of all of us. She can do all of the things that Kenny and Spenny do. In fact, she’s not even averse to partial frontal nudity, if that’s what the part calls for.

Let me know what you think of this. If you like it, I’ll tell you my idea for a game show featuring Ving Rhames, a rottweiler and two contestants with a crippling fear of rubber.

Regards,
Geoff Wolinetz

Geoff Wolinetz cannot be found on IMDb because the Hollywood community refuses to acknowledge the production of his seminal masterpiece Come What May, a gritty psychothriller starring a guy who kind of looks like Billy Baldwin and Erin Gray (formerly of "Silver Spoons"). If he were to be found on IMDb, his name would fall between "Geoff Witcher" and "Geoff Wood." In addition to his imaginary film career, Geoff also maintains an imaginary career as a baron of industry, is lead singer of the imaginary band Kick Ass, Falco, holds an imaginary Olympic gold medal and is an imaginary Pulitzer laureate in the field of journalism for his investigative piece on the albinos of Alaska.