— Fiction —

Who Has the Bigger : Democratic Nominee John Kerry or President George W. Bush?

A Random-Sampling Poll Conducted by Telephone

Wow, good question. Interesting. I never really thought about this, although I probably should have…
[Long pause.]
I think I’m going to go with Kerry. I hate being put on the spot like this.
[Pause.]
Oh, my. Tough.
[Pause.]
Yeah, John Kerry … I think. Ahhhh! I hate political questions!
—Heather, 28

It’s funny you ask me this, because I was just talking with some friends the other night about this very topic, except it wasn’t John Kerry, it was the actor Russell Crowe. And it was our feeling that Crowe would have a bigger than the President’s, but just barely, and I’m forgetting why. Listen to me ramble on and on like a church mouse! But you want an answer for this, O.K. … in this specific case, I’m going to choose Kerry, only because I’m assuming that most people are picking the president and I always like to be a little different.
[Laughs.]
Can there really be a wrong answer? Can’t they both have huge s?
—Marc, 32

Another pollster just asked me this very same question! It must be in the air. And I’ll tell you what I told them: George W. Bush. But I’m tired of thinking about it! PLEASE! ENOUGH!
—Sue, 21

President Bush or John Kerry? How long has it been since you’ve last called—five, six weeks? Who won the last go-round? Howard Dean or Homeland Security chief Tom Ridge? O.K., well, I’m just going to throw out John Kerry—wait a second, President Bush. Yeah, President Bush, definitely. That’s my pick. Can I choose a third person? No? When this is done, can you fax me the results like you did last time? For my files? You have my number, right? Can I give you a call if I change my mind? Oooh, that was a stinker!
—Ben, 35

So let me grab a pencil and piece of paper, just a moment …
[Off phone:]
Sweetheart, can you hand me the calculator? Thanks …
Where’s the divide button? All right … intriguing …
[Laughs.]
I never would have guessed this, but it checks out twice: Democratic contender John Kerry. It’s not even close. Amazing!
[Off phone:]
Hon, come here and take a look at this!
[Back to the phone:]
I’m going to have to tell the folks at work about this, they’ll never believe it! They’re always claiming Kerry has a very tiny . All right, remarkable, keep up the great work, this is so important, thankyou! And may God bless you and your entire team of pollsters….
—Chris, 32

Final Results:

John Kerry: 56%
George W. Bush: 42%
Undecided: 2%

Margin of Error: +/- 3%

NEXT MONTH:

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Julie Koch has been published in various publications, including Talk Sense, The Southern Louisiana Quarterly, Hap-Hap-Happy Henry, and Elephant Memories. She currently resides in Hagerstown, Maryland, where she works full-time as a V.A. hospital administrator. She loves .