Monday, March 1, 2004 |
The Y.P.OscaRs
In which Y.P.R. presents some overlooked awards. The Sexist & Xenophobic Awards are traditionally handed out in a separate ceremony, after the Technical Awards and before the Main Event.
[ Red = Should win | Bold = Will win ]
Part I:
The Xenophobies
Best Round-eye Gaijin in the Orient:
- Uma Thurman kung-fu-kicks; Kill Bill, Vol. I
- Bill Murray karaokes; Lost in Translation
- Tom Cruise kowtows; The Last Samurai
Best Gringo South of the Border:
- Johnny Depp actually says, “Are you a Mexican or a Mexican’t?”; Once Upon a Time in Mexico
- America’s college students cowboy it up; The Real Cancún
- Captain Jack Sparrow “drinks rum on the beach”; Pirates of the Caribbean: the Curse of the Black Pearl
Best Honksploitation of a Whitey Playin’ Gangsta:
- Lisa Kudrow embarrasses all races; Marci X
- Jamie Kennedy, ditto; Malibu’s Most Wanted
- Adam Goldberg, self-hating Jew; The Hebrew Hammer
Best Wackily Mismatched-Ethnic High Jinks:
- Chop-socky Asian instructs clumsy white hillbilly; Bulletproof Monk
- Chop-socky Asian instructs clumsy white hillbilly; Shanghai Knights
- Chop-socky Asian befriends gangsta rapper; Cradle 2 the Grave
- Irish émigrés befriend scary black dude; In America
- Those swarthy subcontinentals stole my house!; House of Sand and Fog
- American white trash vs. Eurotrash; Just Married
- Old white fuddy-duddy & sassy sista; Bringing Down the House
Most Confusing to the White Man:
- Wait, Kingpin’s a black dude?; Daredevil
- Wait, God’s a black dude?; Bruce Almighty
- Is Jessica Alba multiëthnic?; Honey
- How ’bout Vin Diesel?; A Man Apart
Best Mangled Foreign-Language Title:
- Padrone e Comandante: Il Lato Lontano del Mondo
(Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World); Italian - Meisje met een Oorring van de Parel
(Girl with a Pearl Earring); Dutch - Was ein Mädchen wünschen
(What a Girl Wants); German - Un Pescado Grande
(Big Fish); Spanish - Les Anges de Charlie : Pleine Commande de Puissance
(Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle); French
Part II:
The Sexies
Most Uncomfortable Homoerotic Moment:
- Russell Crowe winks at a dirty South American hooker from the boat, but otherwise prefers the company of young boys; Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World
- Frolicsome hobbits pillow-fighting; The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
- Johnny Depp’s fabulous eyeliner; Pirates of the Caribbean: the Curse of the Black Pearl
- Shirtless, pubescent lost boys and a fairy; Peter Pan
Most Frightening Nudity:
- All them old hags’ gnarled corpses; Calendar Girls
- Diane Keaton’s saggy bags; Something’s Gotta Give
- Meg Ryan’s squandered youth; In the Cut
- Danny DeVito’s pale, post-lycanthropic ass; Big Fish
- That dude’s sickly member; 28 Days Later
- Frank the Tank streaks; Old School
Best Black-Leather-Clad Masturbatory Material for Geeky Comic-Book Fanboys:
- Carrie-Ann Moss as Trinity, the leathered, neo-Luddite freedom fighter; The Matrix Reloaded & The Matrix Revolutions
- Jennifer Garner as Elektra, the leathered, Greek, ninja assassin; Daredevil
- Famke Janssen as Jean Grey, the leathered, telepathic, mutant X-woman; X2: X-Men United
- Halle Berry as Storm, the leathered, weather-controlling, mutant X-woman; X2: X-Men United
- Kate Beckinsale as Selene, the leathered, British bloodsucker; Underworld
Best Heaving Cleavage in a Period Piece:
- Keira Knightley’s knockers; Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl
- Liv Tyler’s spry, elfin rack ; The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King
- Scarlett Johansson’s Old Master jubblies; Girl with a Pearl Earring
- Monica Bellucci’s massive bosom; The Matrix Reloaded & The Matrix Revolutions1
Special Uncle Grambo Award for So Effing Best Hott Underage Ingénue Jailbait:
- Hilary Duff; The Lizzie McGuire Movie
- Lindsay Lohan; Freaky Friday
- Amanda Bynes; What a Girl Wants
- Keisha Castle-Hughes; Whale Rider
- Evan Rachel Wood; Thirteen
- Nikki Reed; Thirteen
1. The Matrix is a period piece, too: the future. Duh.
