Scenes from "C.S.I.: Podunk"
Agents Hucksley & Muff are standing over the victim’s corpse.
HUCKSLEY
I reckon he’s dead all right. Cause o’ death?
MUFF
Sheriff say shotgun, close range.
HUCKSLEY
We got an ID?
MUFF
Collerton’s boy.
HUCKSLEY
How ’bout evidence?
MUFF
Just them prints in the snow comin’ and goin’ ’tween here and ol’ Larson’s.
Hucksley nods and spits tobacco.
MUFF
And the sheriff said ol’ Larson’s shotgun and boots is still settin’ there on his doorstep, where he left ’em ’fore goin’ inside.
HUCKSLEY
Hmm. That it?
MUFF
Well, his boots is wet and barrels dirty. And he said he’s glad he killed the bastard.
HUCKSLEY
We better have us a look-see at ol’ Larson then.
Agents Hucksley & Muff are standing over the victim’s corpse.
HUCKSLEY
Dang if he ain’t been shot to hell.
MUFF
Sorry, pardner, on account o’ ol’ Larry here bein’ yer cousin an’ all.
HUCKSLEY
He’s yer cousin too, ain’t he?
MUFF
(Furrows his brow)
Well, I reckon you’re right.
HUCKSLEY
So we got ID. What about cause o’ death?
MUFF
Well, sheriff says it’s all them bullet holes.
HUCKSLEY
Well the sheriff ain’t no crime-scene expert, now is he?
MUFF
Well, no, he ain’t, but don’t go havin’ a bee in yer bonnet over it!
HUCKSLEY
O.K., sorry, pardner, but the Sheriff’s got hisself a mighty strong opinion about what happened to ol’ Larry here and I ain’t seein’ it his way.
MUFF
And what’s the sheriff reckon?
HUCKSLEY
Well, there’s a lotta accidents in these parts and Larry here’s in his huntin’ shirt …
Agents Hucksley & Muff are standing over the victim’s corpse.
MUFF
I reckon Mr. Tucker’s been planted?
HUCKSLEY
Pardon?
MUFF
(examining the surrounding area)
Looks like he was run down by a combine … Tractor marks here, seed spilled there.
HUCKSLEY
Them’s tire tracks all right. We sure he ain’t been shot though?
MUFF
Hard to say on account o’ half o’ him bein’ in the dirt.
HUCKSLEY
We better unplant him them.
MUFF
Alrighty, but I already got me an idea o’ who done it.
HUCKSLEY
And how in tarnation you got it figured out already?
MUFF
(Squats near a tire track and spits tobacco)
Well, pardner, these is very smooth tracks, y’see. And I reckon the only John Deere ’round with tires this old is Mr. Leeford’s, over yonder. And ain’t it a coinkydink that Leeford wants Mr. Tucker’s farm.
HUCKSLEY
That ’n’ the fact that Leeford killed Mr. Kunkle last year and stole his back forty.
Agents Hucksley & Muff and Sheriff Tillman are standing and drinking coffee outside the storefront police station.
HUCKSLEY
We got a motive, Sheriff?
SHERIFF
Say what?
HUCKSLEY
We got a reason ol’ Larson done shot up the Collerton boy?
TILLMAN
I reckon so. Collerton Junior was fixin’ to take ol’ Larson’s daughter to the hoedown tonight.
HUCKSLEY
Hmm. And we got ol’ Larson sayin’ he’s glad he killed the sum’ bitch?
TILLMAN
Yessir. I followed them snow tracks to ol’ Larson’s house. ’Fore I knocked I checked the scattergun on the doorstep. It was dirty all right. It was also empty so I popped in a few shells … on account o’ meowin’ him a few loads and me havin’ some left over from this mornin’s hunt. Then I went inside for coffee. Him being glad he done it was the first thing he said to me … Then we had us a nice chat about the weather.
HUCKSLEY
You think he’ll sing to the judge?
SHERIFF
Well, ol’ Larson ain’t the singin’ type. He don’t even hum to hisself or play a blues harp.
MUFF
Uh, Sheriff, I reckon what my pardner here means is …
HUCKSLEY
What I’m askin’ is, will ol’ Larson tell the part about bein’ glad he done it to the judge in town.
TILLMAN
Ol’ Larson is the judge in town.
Silence.
TILLMAN
He’s a right fair judge though.
MUFF
Golly, if it ain’t comin’ back to me now: I ’member ol’ Judge Larson. He just plain let hisself off last time. Kept hollerin’ ’bout our mistakes at the ‘crime scene’ he called it. ‘Got no evidence permissible in the court o’ law,’ he said.
TILLMAN
Yep. Ol’ Larson likes using the slick talk and crazy rules he got from his trainin’ with the cityfolk, them big words and rhymes and all.