Friday, February 20, 2004

— Birthday Cards to Celebrities —
Happy Birthday, Charles Barkley!

Dear Charles,

The round mound of rebound, indeed. Happy 41st Birthday! I love watching you on TNT; your asinine comments and clear disregard for anything not glazed, chocolate-covered, big-titted, or Michael Jordan is wonderful! If only more grown men were as fat and jolly as you, we’d be running around in a world of racist Santa Claus look-alikes. Joy to the world then, eh, round mound?

I hope you get another double-breasted suit for your birthday. They really are flattering. The pretty sharkskin one you wore the other day, baking in the studio lights, made you look like a bulging, rebounding sausage in a shiny, blue intestinal wrap.

You’re my favorite rebounder ever, and living proof why the state of Alabama needs to beef up their sex-education program.

Happy Birthday!

Love,
Nick

February 20, 1963 | Charles Barkley | B-baller

— How To —

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Life is just one crushing disappointment after another until finally, you find yourself lying on a bed of other people’s money, completely naked, drunk as a skunk off of a bottle of 18-year-old Scotch that you swiped from Vonnegut’s liquor cabinet.

— Fiction —

Pitching to Cousin Graydon

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'Snotwatch' by Heidi J.

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