— How To —

Are You Lonesome Tonight?

If you find yourself without a sweetie this St. Valentine’s Day, there are still plenty of ways to cope with the wretched despair of solitude!

1. Make up a fake life experience in your head with a celebrity! For example, let’s say … walking home carrying groceries you feel a tap on your shoulder. An “Excuse me, miss …,” and you turn around and take off your earphones. It’s Dave Matthews (as he appeared in Rolling Stone, January 2003) and you smile (the good non-teeth smile) and he says, “You are beautiful in all this snow.” He takes some of the bags and you make a frozen pizza (thin-crust) and stay in bed all night and watch episodes of The Simpsons and Family Guy. You repeat some of the jokes after and laugh. He writes a song about the whole experience. You buy him a really cool guitar for Christmas. He promises never to marry you for fear of “stealing you away from you.”

   (Potential lonesomeness backfire: If you play a scenario such as this out in your head you are sure to shame yourself by unintentionally flashing a stupid grin in the general direction of men (other than Dave Matthews) sitting across from you on the bus.)

2. Using your right hand, wrap your arm around the back of your head and stroke your left cheek, thus fooling your face into thinking it’s someone else’s caress.

   (Potential lonesomeness backfire: Very pathetic and uncomfortable. Plus, your face catches on pretty fast.)

3. Buy a body pillow and snuggle with it between your legs while you sleep. Dream sexy thoughts.

   (Potential lonesomeness backfire: Should you finally share a bed with a real person, you will be confused when the “pillow” complains in the middle of the night that your leg is too warm and heavy.)

4. Sit boldly next to the hottie on the bus. Remove the large black sunglasses you wear all the time regardless of weather. Edge slightly and hum the tune “You Make Lovin’ Fun” by Fleetwood Mac. Hope for a flirt or smile.

   (Potential lonesomeness backfire: The woman sitting near the hottie takes notice of you, and the dreaded girlfriend stare ensues. They both get off at the next stop, and she looks back at you through the window as she walks off with her arm in his. Your sunglasses are placed over eyes once more.)

5. Quit bitching and buy a vibrator.

   (Potential lonesomeness backfire: None.)