New & Noteworthy
Sally Forth

Hey, remember The Fourth of July, 2003? We don't, but found this in our archives:

Fourth of July Fourthiness.

Independence is on the march, patriots.

& Recently . . .

Kurt Cobain's Ghost with an Invitation to a Fourth of July Picnic and Fireworks by Angela Genusa

"B.L.T.": A Review by Will Layman

Ten Tiny Poems by Brian Beatty

Angry Words from a Gnome Who to This Day Continues to Think the Human Genome Project Was Actually The Human Gnome Project by David Ng

Key Party, N.Y.C., Circa Always by William K. Burnette

A Day on the Phone with Mythological Norse Firewarrior, Bringer of Storms by Aaron Belz

Polish Fact

Traffic?
Major illicit producer of amphetamine for the international market; minor transshipment point for Asian and Latin American illicit drugs to Western Europe.

Learn a Foreign Tongue!

Learn Dutch!
Ik heb twee draaischijven en een microfoon.
I've got two turntables and a microphone.

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Thursday, January 22, 2004   |    Fiction

Recently Returned Letters to Santa

by Brian Hughes

Dear Santa,

I woke up this morning wearing a pair of Capri pants and a tight, white T-shirt that read, “Screw Charles, I’M IN CHARGE.” Do you know anything about this?

Confusedly Yours,
Armen Katein


Dear Santa,

I was wondering, could you leave a cookie for me this year? Every year I leave you six or seven cookies and every year I wake up the next morning to find nothing but crumbs. Getting up early to open presents is difficult and I could really use that sugar rush that only a cookie can provide. I mean, I know for a fact you get cookies at other houses, so is it really necessary for you to eat every single cookie at every single house? Haven’t you ever heard of gluttony, tubbs?

Sincerely,
Sylvia Mills



Dear Santa,

Those boots are all wrong with that jacket. I’m just saying.

With mild concern,
Ted Willins



Dear Santa,

All I want for Christmas is for my parents to stop fighting. Just one day where they don’t scream and yell is all I am asking for. That, or an Xbox. Actually, the Xbox is probably better.

Rhoda Fallows



Dear Santa,

What were you doing with my mother underneath the mistletoe last night? Because if I saw mommy kissing who I think I saw mommy kissing, Daddy is not gonna be happy.

Ralphie Bartolo



Dear Santa,

Don’t you want to see The Butterfly Effect!?! That movie looks so amazing. Ashton is such a hottie! He is totally kewl!

Ashton’s future wife,
Jessica Elizabeth



Dear Santa,

Blitzen is so the best reindeer. He is the fastest, the strongest, the most powerful, and far and away the most beautiful. Also, though I do not personally know Blitzen, I am sure that if he had a fight with Donner it was entirely due to Donner’s constant chain- and hay-hogging, and certainly was not caused by any alcohol consumption on his part. Also, Rudolph is a lamedeer whose nose is more often brown than red.

Sincerely,
B. Litzen



Dear Santa,

What are Sugar Plums? I mean, are they plums dipped in sugar, or like another type of fruit entirely? I thought you might know. Fill me in.

Your buddy,
Brian Hughes



Dear Santa,

Is your first name spelled Kris Kringle or Chris Kringle? My friend Nathan insists it’s ‘Chris,’ but I know it’s ‘Kris.’ He was like, “Kris is too gay,” and I was like, “Maybe it is but that is how he spells it.” So let me know, O.K.? I’ve got five bucks on it. Thanks.

Craig Denning



Dear Santa,

I also smelled of witch hazel. Does that help jog your memory, sicko?

Armen Katein

Brian Hughes hires and fires security personnel for a living. He assures you it is just as exciting as it sounds. He is however, wild and unpredictable and would make a tremendously tittilating morning show host. He enjoys using words that are spelt with multiple Ts.