The Human Campaign

by Victor Lembrey

The supermarket’s called Freshboy Slim’s. Today’s special is used grapes. A bird flies in and everybody goes nuts. A guy yells, “We’re all gonna die you bitches!” He dives into a display of oranges, then farts. The oranges roll all…

How I Quit Smoking

by Cheryl Chamgers

1. The Lozenge So I’m at work and I realize that I need to have copies of a letter to this client — deadline yesterday — for my boss. I go to the copier. Put the paper on the little…

Happy Birthday, Paul Newman!

Dear Butch, You can keep your tomato sauce, salad dressing, and popcorn. I got a film festival and a cable channel, sucker. Later, Sundance…

I Love Scrushy

by Richard Grayson

This unforgettable sitcom lasted six seasons, during which the wacky, dictatorial but lovable star, HealthSouth C.E.O. Richard M. (“Red”) Scrushy, stole millions and delighted millions more with his corporate shenanigans and auditing antics. The shows featured Scrushy’s zany attempts to…

Dear Regal Cinemas

by David Abraham

Michael L. Campbell Co-C.E.O., Regal Entertainment Group 7132 Regal Lane Knoxville, Tennessee, 37918 January 22, 2004 Dear Mr. Campbell, While we may have had our scuffles in the past, this time you have gone too far with your latest…

Recently Returned Letters to Santa

by Brian Hughes

Dear Santa, I woke up this morning wearing a pair of Capri pants and a tight, white T-shirt that read, “Screw Charles, I’M IN CHARGE.” Do you know anything about this? Confusedly Yours, Armen Katein Dear Santa, I was wondering,…

Pop Quiz & Why You Should Be Friends with Me

by Amy Shearn

Pop Quiz Which of the following quotations come from How to Make Your Marriage Exciting, from Ron Schara’s Minnesota Fishing Guide, or can be attributed to Chairman Mao Tse-Tung? The Bible says “Love is not arrogant or rude.” How rude…

This Is the Ultimate Y.P.R.*

*”Ultimate” doesn’t always mean ‘best’; sometimes it means ‘last.’ Goodbye, mama and papa Goodbye, Jack and JillThe grass ain’t greener The wine ain’t sweeterEither side of the hill. “Ramble On Rose,” the Grateful Dead Friends, Romans, carniefolk: Life is…

Happy Birthday, Plácido Domingo!

Dear Plácido, You think you’re old? Y.P.R. is dead! You fat bastard, look what you’ve done. Happy Birthday, Geoff Wolinetz…

Gimme a Half-Caff Soy Triple Latté (No Foam) and the Unagi/Torigai Special: In Defense of the Green Mountain State

by Amy Stender

Have you heard about a new political ad running in Iowa? In the ad, an old man (supposedly a “farmer” but I think he’s a “paid actor”) says, “Howard Dean should take his tax-hiking, government-expanding, latté-drinking, sushi-eating, Volvo-driving, New York…

The Metamorphosis

by Trevor Seigler

One morning, Gregor Samsa awoke to find he had turned into a Jean-Claude Van Damme. He was frightened at first, not sure what all this meant. He had spent the previous evening watching Timecop, the film in which Mr. Van…

Happy Birthday, Kate Moss!

Dear Katie, Happy 30th birthday! Kate Moss, Kate Moss, Kate … Moss … I got nothing. Were this, say, 1995-ish, I’d have made some waify jokes or something, but lately you seem to have filled out a bit, reaching almost…

Seigler, Trevor

Trevor Seigler

Stunk ’n’ White: New ’n’ Improved!!!

by Ken Krimstein

You know the authors’ names. You recognize the title. This is The Elements of Style, the classic guide to English rules and usage, now in its fourth … ooops, make that fifth edition. The revisions to the new…

Happy Birthday, Mario Van Peebles!

Dear M.V.P., Happy 47th birthday! I get your dad, Melvin Van Peebles, mixed up with Martin Van Buren all the time, and they kicked me out of the Geography club because of that. My dog’s name is Peebles. I saw…