Y.P.R.: Gimme a Half-Caff Soy Triple Latté (No Foam) and the Unagi/Torigai Special: In Defense of the Green Mountain State

Tuesday, January 20, 2004 | Non-Fiction

Gimme a Half-Caff Soy Triple Latté (No Foam) and the Unagi/Torigai Special: In Defense of the Green Mountain State

by Amy Stender

Have you heard about a new political ad running in Iowa? In the ad, an old man (supposedly a “farmer” but I think he’s a “paid actor”) says, “Howard Dean should take his tax-hiking, government-expanding, latté-drinking, sushi-eating, Volvo-driving, New York Times-reading …” and then the old guy’s wife finishes: “… body-piercing, Hollywood-loving, left-wing freak show back to Vermont, where it belongs.”

After seeing thing ad, I was in shock. How could a typical Vermont life be summed up so accurately? You see, a lot of people are under the misconception that Vermonters are maple syrup-drinking, gun-toting, illiterate hillbillies and/or deadbeat hippies. No. Here’s a history lesson for you:

Vermont used to be a rural and innocent state comprised of farmers and wildlife until, in the 80s, a surge of yuppie assholes from various metropolitan areas moved in and spread out. With them, they brought their milky coffee and raw fish addictions. They drove up in their Volvos (while reading The New York Times), wearing midriff-bearing I-heart-Hollywood T-shirts that showed off super-rebellious navel piercings. They brought their strange customs to the state, ostracizing and/or devouring the natives. We were all forced to assimilate or die. Then the yuppies laid eggs inside all the dead bodies, which sprouted Vermont’s current population.

Oh, no wait. That’s just what The Club for Growth (a Washington group) thinks Iowans think about Vermont. Hmmm… Well, I just heard that Californians think Texans think that New Yorkers assume Indianans reason that The Club for Growth is just a bunch of bigoted right-wing fuckers. Vermont is nowhere near as pretentious as they made us out to be. I just had to say all this, you know, in case anyone was planning on visiting. Don’t listen to that ad, it ain’t true.

And about Dean not having any “black or brown” people in his cabinet while he was governor: Fine, he ’fessed up to that but has Al Sharpton ever been to Montpelier? It’s not the biggest African-American or Latino hotspot in the country. I’m sure Dean had plenty of dreadlocked people on his staff.

Amy Stender lives in the woods, feeding off indigenous roots and berries. Last winter, she got wicked crazy-hungry and took down a 4-point buck with nothing more than dental floss and a pen knife. She runs around in a T-shirt emblazoned “ILOVERMONT” and likes to yell “Funkified!” at strangers. Her favorite reading selections are usually penned by Neil Gaiman, Charles Bukowski, and Hubert Selby Jr. The first graphic novels she read were Nausicaa of the Valley of Wind (Volumes 1-4) by Hayao Miyazaki and she hasn’t stopped since. She wants Henry Rollins to know she thinks he’s a hot animal machine and she wishes he would return her phone calls. You can read her work at McSwys and on her blog, Fluid Motion.