The Other 45* Ways to Leave Your Lover

1. STD, Lee.
2. Ask her if she’ll give a threesome a whirl, Earl.
3. Keep up your skirt chasin’, Jason.
4. Introduce her to kiddie porn, Björn.
5. Tell her you’re gay, Jay.
6. Convince her she’s a dyke, Mike.
7. Eat some garlic knots and breathe in her face, Ace.
8. Demand you be golden showered, Howard.
9. Respond to an e-mail offering penile enlargement, thus rendering you to much man for her, Wilbur.
10. Fuck her sister, Mister.
11. Videotape yourself having sex with a millionaire heiress and “accidentally” leak the tape onto the Internet, Brett.
12. Don’t shower till you develop a pungent smell, Mel.
13. Don’t wash down there, mon frere.
14. Give her a ‘Dirty Sanchez,’ Sanchez
15. Ruffies in her orange juice, Bruce.
16. In public, hump her leg, Greg.
17. Suggest that she stop eating all that bread because her ass is getting fat, Matt.
18. “You’re turning into your mother,” Brother.
19. Fartin’, Martin.
20. ‘Innocently’ sleep in the same bed with sick children and get arrested at your Neverland ranch, you sick, psychotic fuck.
21. When she asks if she looks fat in that dress, just say, “A li’l,” Will.
22. Fake a terminal illness, um, Bill… ness.
23. Introduce the kung-fu grip, Chip
24. In the backside, Clyde.
25. Wham bam, thank you, ma’am, Sam.
26. Recommend that she fix that big Jewish honker with a nose job, Rob.
27. Also, a boob job wouldn’t hurt, Bert.
28. And, while you’re at it, how ’bout lipo, Joe.
29. And that acne would clear up with a chemical peel, Neal.
30. “The back of your thighs look like cottage cheese,” Cochise
31. Keep up those fat jokes until she develops a complex, Rex.
32. The complex will work because she’ll be all agitated because she’s starvin’, Marvin.
33. Give her the old “It’s not you, it’s me,” Heavy D.
34. Make a clumsy pass at her mom, Tom.
35. Make that bitch clean the house, Klaus.
36. Abandon her in the car at the parking meter, Peter
37. Catch your commuter plane, Blaine.
38. Take her to gay bars, Lars.
39. Vomit on cue, Stu.
40. Demand she scrub the crapper clean, Gene.
41. Only take her out to polka dances, Francis.
42. Eat, drink and at least three times make her be merry, Jerry.
43. Scratch your ass, pick your nose, belch, fart, Bart.
44. Break down and admit that these boorish, vaguely misogynistic displays are just a feeble attempt for you to get out of a doomed relationship because you are commitment-phobic and have issues with intimacy, and you immaturely thought it’d be easier to just pretend to be an asshole and make her hate you than to actually sit down and discuss what’s wrong with this relationship, Skip.
45. Spank, Frank.

* The song, “50 Ways,” only lists 5: Bus, Gus; back, Jack; coy, Roy; plan, Stan; key, Lee.