Tuesday, November 11, 2003 | Non-Fiction
What I Hope to Find in Hell
Lite Beer
Marilyn Monroe
A previously unutterable curse word
Democracy
Vampire bats
Baseball bats
Pool tables with built-in beer coasters along the rim
Soft-core porn
More than enough lawyers
Ramen noodles
Baking-soda toothpaste
Andy Kaufman
Chia Pets
Solicitors
Final exams
Walt Disney
A chance to start at the bottom in the bureaucracy of Satan’s Empire
The cure for the common cold
The Cure
That-girl-who-played-Felcitiy’s hair
Keyboards missing the ‘Ctrl,’ ‘Alt,’ and ‘Delete’ keys
Jimi Hendrix
Yankee pot roast
Slightly-less-than-Cuban cigars
No locks on the doors
Free, yet closely monitored, Internet access
A speck of blue, somewhere
Fashionable, yet constraining, neck ties
Disco bowling
Darby Larson is an artist, engineer, writer, reader, TV watcher, chess player, computer hacker, red wine drinker, seafood eater, aspiring horologist, car driver, bed sleeper, sleep dreamer, trend setter, rock star, politician, marine biologist, N.B.A. All-Star, Alaskan trout fisherman, Indian shaman, Darbosco Greek god for the clinically insane, vacuum-cleaner salesman, husband, human. His works have appeared at kittenpants.org here and here, eyeshot.net, and insolentrudder.org. He occasionally tinkers with a Web site, Darby.tv. Darby is waving at you right now. Hi! Please wave back.