What’s on the News Tonight?

NBC: Tom Brokaw examines what makes the human spirit so strong in all of us, in this NBC News special, “Feet: How We’ll Get To Where We’re Going”

CBS: Dan Rather leads a frank and open discussion with leading, doctors, scientists, and socio-anthropologists in a round-table forum seeking to answer one question: “Is Dan Rather Human or Animatronic?”

FOX News: 3 hours of Bill O’Reilly waving an American flag while the FOX Symphony Orchestra plays a rousing rendition of “Fanfare of the Common Man,” specially arranged by Neil Cavuto. There will be fireworks, too. Also, Sean Hannity will consume an entire can of Crisco in less than one minute. Please, watch our network. We’ll do anything you want.

MSNBC: Lester Holt hilariously gets his head stuck in a fishbowl and runs around bashing it into the walls and furniture in futile attempts to free his noggin. Desperately losing oxygen, Lester begs the assistance of Chris Matthews’s magic hardball. We’re MSNBC, and we’re not too proud to admit we’re desperate to lure FOX’s viewers. By any means necessary.

CNN: Since we’re holier than this petty news-channel dogfight, tonight, we present an erudite and comprehensive look at one of the world’s most riveting subjects: Anderson Cooper. (Love us.) Watch Anderson in his natural habitat and watch his face go from “serious” to “studious” to “focused”. (Love us.) Following, Larry King will interview Aaron Brown, and the two soporific broadcasters will cull each other into a slumber so deep that even the combined might of AOL/Time-Warner cannot wake them.

ABC: Um, what’s news? Watch T.G.I.F. as Kelly Ripa, Bonnie Hunt, and other hilarious women guide all 55 of our very special viewers out there through yet another hilarious Friday night!

C-Span: It’s Shark Week! And by “shark” we mean “terminally boring congressman.”