— Listicles —

Terms of Endearment

Nicknames I Have for My Girlfriend’s Cha-Cha

Ruth
Dolores
Vera
Bessie
Gina
Enid
Gladys
Pilar
Delicious Mushpuff
Mary-Ann
Ann-Marie
Indira
Fred
Gwendolyn
Hoobastank
Imelda
Basement Jaxx
Cheech
Chong
Sweet & Lowdown

Nicknames My Girlfriend Has for My Manhood

Roger
Harvey Penis
Penie P. Penisson III
Calvin Bigrod
Doc
Mr. Majestic
Orlando
Thor
Galactus
Señor Hugecocko
Dr. Dick
Seamus O’Monstercock
Thumper (?)
Rock
Grandpa Murray(??)
U-571

Nicknames I Have for My Girlfriend’s Yammies

Who-Whos
Wa-Was
Yobbieyobbies
Pachangas
Maracas
Bloopie Doopies
Jumblies
Flibbie Flabbies
Blub blubs
Ploop Ploops
Wonga Wongas
Dollies
Sacco & Vanzetti
Pibby Pabbys
Blumpy Dumpies
Two Tenors
Jan & Dean
Steve & Edie
Glorpy Blorpies
Uday & Qusay
Paris & Nicky
Mary-Kate & Ashley
Serena & Venus
Tiki & Ronde

Nicknames My Girlfriend Has for My Appendectomy Scar

Cronky.
Philbert
Jebediah
Brocktoon
That looks infected.

Nicknames I Have for My Girlfriend’s Unsightly Mole

Marilyn
Cindy
Hairy Mary
Bernie Mac
Globule
Molero
Molson twin
Mephistopheles
Molarity/Molality
Hortense

Nicknames My Girlfriend Has for Me Based on My Impressive Sexual Stamina

“Marathon Man”
Speedy
Dasher
Boy Racer
Zippy
Quick-Draw
Premature Ejackson 5
Hey, who’s chasing you?
Shrimpy
Skimpy
Wimpy
Pansy
Pussy
Chump
You’re faster than a Kenyan on crystal meth, I mean, seriously.
Mini-Me

Nicknames I Have for My Girlfriend’s Fat Fucking Thighs

Logs
Trunks
Cottage-Cheesy Yuckies
Thumps
Dumps
I thought you were going to the gym
Trucks
Tanks
I’m just saying…
Totems
Redwoods
Really, get off the freakin’ couch, woman.
You used to be so skinny and smooth
You’re turning into your mother
You nag like her also
And by the way, those low-riser jeans are frightening small children and dogs
Have some self-respect, you fat sow
I know you slept with Greg

Nicknames My Girlfriend Has for My Fat Stupid Face She Wants to Smash with a Goddamn Iron

I hate you with the fire of a thousand suns, you miserable prick
I hope you rot in hell for all eternity
You stupid asshole, did you think my own sister wouldn’t tell me what you did?
In your car? In your car?? You’re a real fucking asshole.
Ughh.
I can’t believe I even went out with you.
Pervert.
And I saw you looking at my cousin. She’s 15, you sick bastard.
Fucking pervy freak.
That’s it. We’re through. Honestly, don’t ever talk to me again.
Okay, fine, one last mercy/breakup fuck, then it’s over, Harvey Penis.
Chump.