Reviews by a Stupid, Bitter Asshole Who Just Got Fired and Hit the Bottle, Thereby Causing His Wife to Leave Him, Thus Forcing Him to Redouble His Drinking

New Shows:

Coupling: More like Crapling!

That new show with Luis Guzmán: I don’t really get “ethnic” humor. I do like salsa, though, so I gave it a shot. The result: muy crappola. Besides, there’s too many Spanish people on TV. Who does this guy think he is, Desi Arnaz Jr.? To hell with Luis Guzmán.

Two and a 1/2 Men: Just because I didn’t see it doesn’t mean I don’t think it’s stupid. What a waste of time for everybody involved, except mine, because I didn’t see it. Assholes.

Whoopi: More like Crapling!

Miss Match: Crap, I vomited all over the sofabed. What do I use to get it out? Seltzer? Everybody says seltzer gets out anything, but I don’t see how the powers of carbonation are gonna get my sofabed reasonably clean. “Miss Match” sucked, by the way

The O.C.: Speaking of “Miss Match,” I used to have a gigantic, all-consuming crush on Alicia Silverstone, circa Clueless, but I’m past that now. Now I devote all my lusty dreams toward the chick who plays the next-door-neighbor chick on “The O.C.”

The Lyon’s Den: Rob Lowe can suck it.

Tru Calling: More like Crapling!

Returning Shows:

Friends: This show is long past its time to retire. At this point, it’s nothing but a second-rate “Coupling,” only with less sexual innuendo. And all those chicks are aging rapidly. Just like my soon-to-be-ex wife, that lousy tramp. How many aspirin can you take without worrying about overdosing? 20? 30?

Everybody Loves Raymond: I can think of one person who doesn’t. Me! That’s right, I do not love Raymond. I love Peter Boyle, Ray’s cantankerous pop.

L.A. Law: I missed too many episodes and now I don’t understand what’s happening here. How did John Goodman become the president? He’s fatter than Taft!

Frasier: Cripes, is this show still on?!? That dog that plays Eddie can’t still be alive, can he? It’s probably been replaced by an animatronic puppet by now.

Gilmore Girls: Now we’re talkin’. This show rocks. I haven’t actually seen it, but I hear great things from Madison, my 12-year-old niece. And she’s got excellent taste.

King of Queens: Haven’t seen this one either, but I do love Zack Morris’s summer fling, Stacy Carosi.

Scrubs: Speaking of scrubbing, let me tell you this: Seltzer doesn’t do jack.