Thank You for Being So Understanding about That Partial Prefrontal Lobotomy

by Josh Abraham

Dear Mr. Trumbull, I write this letter on behalf of Doctors Epstein, Wilcox, and Goldfarb, who performed your operation; the radiology and anesthesia departments; our wonderful nursing staff who diligently tended to your convalescent needs; our legal advisors; as well…

Happy Birthday, Roberto Benigni!

Dear Roberto, Happy birthday! I want to make love to your special day with the loins I have! I want to play peek-a-boo with funbags and say hello to the world! This is a great day for me and to…

Happy Birthday, Roberto Benigni!

Dear Roberto, Happy 51st Birthday! I want to make love to your special day with the loins I have! I want to play peek-a-boo with funbags and say hello to the world! This is a great day for me and…

For the Record, That’s Not Why We’re Pissed at Ourselves

from: Mike and Julie Kronen [unme2@comcast.net] to:: Y.P.R. [ypr@yankeepotroast.org] subject: Skin Project Aren’t you all cool?!? Someone comes up with a creative venue of expression and it seems you all are more pissed at yourselves for not thinking of it…

Happy Birthday, India.Arie!

http://India.Arie: Happy 27th Birthday! India.Arie, what’s up with the punctuation? Hyphens in a name are O.K. (like Jean-Luc) and even apostrophes (like O’Irish) but, seriously, what the hell is up with that period? Are you some high-tech supercomputer program…

Happy Birthday, Bobby Knight!

Dear Bobby, Happy birthday, you sexy beast. I’m a veteran of many an abusive relationship. In fact, nothing turns this puppy on more than being told I’m a worthless maggot who doesn’t even deserve to be there. Please Mr. Knight,…

Winnie-the-Pooh and the Thug Life

by Geoff Wolinetz

“Do you have my money, Piglet?” “I’m sorry, Pooh. I can get it by next week. I promise. Just give me a few days.” “You said that last week, Piglet.” “I know, Pooh. I mean it this time.” “Oh, bother….

Happy Birthday, F. Murray Abraham!

Dear F, Happy 64th Birthday! Are you related to me? Cousin? Uncle? Something like that? Because I only have one favor to ask: Do you know Charlize Theron? Love, Josh…

Poker

by Ray Stillman

“O.K., I’ll raise you 25.” “Call.” “Call.” “Hey, Bill, what are these drapes made out of?” “What?” “The drapes. Is it chenille?” “Why, yes it is, Doug. I didn’t think you’d notice.” “Of course, Chenille is a marvelous fabric, isn’t…

Evolution

by Josh Abraham

It was a bleak and bitter winter morning. Gronk and Yorg emerged from their cave, wrapped in woolly mammoth hides. They sat before the cave’s mouth, huddled together for warmth, and dug their fingers into the frozen earth to find…

Bowling

by Bobby Rufferto

Welcome to Introduction to Bowling, my friends. How exciting! I’m sure you’re all bowled over with anticipation, ha, ha, ha. That’s a little Bowling joke. Anyway, you’re about to embark on an exciting, spiritual journey into the sport of kings….

“Page Six” of Artforum

by Ken Krimstein

BLIND ITEMS WHICH detested neo-realist threw a wild, drug-fueled party before his recent marriage? The image-maker was parading about his loft wearing only socks and showing off his leather outfits and sex toys … WHICH transgressive sculptor/videographer, who…

Happy Birthday, Jerry Orbach!

Dear Jerry, Happy 68th Birthday! Jerry, you’ve been playing a cop on “Law & Order” and its ridiculous spinoffs for like 45 years already. I thought the police department had a really good pension program. When are you going to…

Pot Roast Is for Lovers

from: Garry [Gmansduc@aol.com] to: Y.P.R. [ypr@yankeepotroast.org] Hello, Y.P.R., my name is Garry (36), was looking for a good pot roast. Found. Whoever wrote the recipe is a true romantic and won me over….

Happy Birthday, Angela Lansbury!

Dear Ms. Lansbury, Happy 78th Birthday! Tonight, 11 o’clock, my place. You, me, a box of wine, and I’m cooking up some Steak-Umms. Just the way you like ’em. See you there, sexy. Yours, Josh…