The Bone-Chilling, Spine-Tingling, Hair-Raising, Bloodcurdling Hallowe'en House of Horror

Gotham: Four Very Short, Spooky Plays about Monsters at Large in the City

The Vampire Goes to the Delicatessan

VAMPIRE: Greetings. I vould like a quart of cow’s blood. No, vait. Better make it a gallon.
CLERK: You want Guernsey or Angus?
VAMPIRE: Hmm … is the Angus fresh?
CLERK: Came in yesterday.
VAMPIRE: I’ll take that. And a ham sandwich on rye. Vith mustard.
CLERK: That it?
VAMPIRE: And a pickle.
CLERK: We got half-sour, kosher dill, or garlic.
VAMPIRE: Bleh! I’ll take kosher dill.
CLERK: Here you go.

The Werewolf Goes to the Pharmacy

WOLF: Do you have razor blades?
PHARMACIST: Sure. What kind you looking for?
WOLF: I need something for a really, really thick beard.
PHARMACIST: Hmm, Mach 3 Turbo is really good.
WOLF: How’s the razor burn?
PHARMACIST: Not bad.
WOLF: All right, I’ll take 50.
PHARMACIST: That time of the month, eh?
WOLF: Oh, that reminds me: Also, tampons, for my girlfriend.

Frankenstein’s Monster at the Liquor Store

CLERK: Can I help you?
MONSTER: Need Cinnamon Schnapps.
CLERK: O.K., let’s see… we have no Cinnamon Schnapps. We’ve got Firewater …
MONSTER: Fire BAD!
CLERK: O.K., how about this? It’s called Goldschläger. It’s got little flecks of gold in it, see?
MONSTER: Hmmm. Need bigger!
CLERK: How’s this?
MONSTER: Goldschlägergood. Fire BAD!
CLERK: Very good, sir. Anything else?.
MONSTER: Frankenstein done.
CLERK: Excellent.

The Mummy Goes tot he Bank

MUMMY: I’d like to make a withdrawal.
TELLER: You can’t. The vault has been cursed. Anyone who attempts to remove something will be doomed for all eternity. Doooomed!
MUMMY: Fuck, man. That sucks. I’m signing up at ING Direct.