French Things that Stink (on Purpose)

Pepe Le Pew
Cheese

French Things that Stink (Unintentionally)

Paris
Chirac
EuroDisney
Red-and-white-striped shirts and berets
Mimery
Henrí, the dude who tried to steal Woody Boyd’s girlfriend
The unconditional love and admiration of Jerry Lewis’s cinematic canon
Hirsute underarms
Weasels
Axes
Pansy-ass poodles

Things that Are Not French, Despite Appearances Indicating Otherwise

French Stewart (American)
French’s Mustard (American)
Paris, Texas (American)
Paris Hilton (American)
French/freedom fries (American)
“Marie,” the stripper in a French maid outfit (Polish)

Things to Which France Has Surrendered

Three wild orangutans escaped from the Paris Zoo

A Citroën backfiring

The joined forces of the Iron Shiek and Nicolai Volkoff

“Surrender, Dorothy” skywriting in broom smoke

The director’s commentary on the special-edition DVD of The Professional

The stench of a week-old dish of escargo left on the windowsill to rot in the murderous French summer sun

The Blackout of 2003

Peer pressure from the cool kids who smoke cigarettes behind the bleachers in junior high

The chorus of “Lady Marmalade”

Three pretentious film-school students debating Truffaut v. Godard

The smooth sounds of Kid Loco’s jazz-funk-rap fusion rock

A gallon of half-melted Turkey Hill Neapolitan ice cream

That trick where you exhale into a brown paper bag so it expands, balloon-like, and then you pop it by smashing your fist into its bottom; France falls for that one every time!