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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Wednesday, September 3, 2003   |    Birthday Cards to Celebrities

Happy Birthday, Charlie Sheen!

September 3, 1964 | Charlie Sheen | hot shot

Dear Charlie,

Happy 38th Birthday!

For a child of privilege who spent the bulk of his youth blowing gigantic quantities of cash on hookers and drugs, you sure did O.K. for yourself! Damn, your wife is a hot piece of ass. I too have squandered my youth on drugs and hookers, but all I got to show for it a rap sheet as long as this nasty scar on my thigh. It’s kind of a gnarly scar, I guess, but it’s no Denise Richards. Well, good luck with your new sitcom, Chuckie.

Your friend,
Ray Stillman

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