Y.P.R.: First Eight Drafts of My Resignation Letter

Wednesday, September 24, 2003 | Fiction

First Eight Drafts of My Resignation Letter

by Pierre Cavanaugh

Dear Boss,

I hereby submit this letter of resignation because I have fouled things up so royally and irreparably that it’d be best if I left before I got caught, because then I’d get yelled at, and possibly sued. Please disregard the first sentence in this letter of resignation. Just know that I quit.

Hasta la vista,
Pierre

Dear Boss,

You know that scene in Jerry Maguire where Tom Cruise does that “I’m not gonna freak out” thing and takes a fish and Renée Zelwegger with him. Well, imagine me doing that right now. Also, imagine we have a fish tank and an employee half as cute as Renée Zelwegger. This office really sucks. I am so out of here.

Regards,
Pierre

Dear Boss,

It’s with a heart as heavy as a wet paper towel that I submit my resignation to you today. Sure, you’re an attractive man with deep blue eyes and boyish good looks. With your determined chin and your untamed hair. You with your muscularly chiseled shoulders and masculine hands … um, what were we talking about?

I quit.

Pierre

Dear Boss,

This is a preëmptive layoff. I figure you’re going to fire me eventually for my gross incompetence, so I hereby lay myself off, though not without a very handsome severance package. Also, I’ve instructed myself to take what I like from the supply room. Thanks for the staples and three-hole punch. I’ll be missed.

Regards,
Pierre

Dear Boss,

How many times do I have to tell you? The word is “nuclear,” not “nucular,” you dipshit. I’m gone.

Regards,
Pierre

Dear Boss,

I hereby submit this letter of resignation. It has been a delight working here, but it is time to move on to bigger, better things. I fucked your secretary in the copy room, and have Xeroxes to prove it. She’s a fiery little minx, ain’t she? Meow.

Regards,
Pierre

Dear Boss,

To be honest, I’m not sure why you hired me in the first place. If you’d checked my references, you would have found that the phone numbers are to various stationary stores around the city. If you’d bother to call the college that I say I graduated from, you’d find that they kicked me out for academic fraud. If you’d checked my prior work experience, you would have found I had none. I was serving time. I’m quitting now because I’ve been offered a higher paying position at a better company. Hopefully, they’re as stupid as you. Peace.

Regards,
Pierre

Dear Boss,

I hate you and your albums. I quit.

Regards,
Pierre

Pierre Cavanaugh can be seen on Provo's public-access Channel 6 on Sunday mornings, where he hosts his very own cable show called "Cavanaugh's Corner," a talk/variety show in homage to his favorite musical group, Dawn (feat. Tony Orlando). He doesn't believe in society's conventions and, as such, refuses to put his pants on one leg at a time. He sits on his bed, puts both legs in, slides the pants up to the base of his ass, jumps off the bed and yanks his pants up to his waist. He buttons them to conclude the process, but frequently forgets to zipper his fly. He lives in suburban Draper, Utah, with his wife and infant son. (Don't think he missed the opportunity to make a bigamy joke here. He simply passed on it, but feel free to make one yourself.)