Y.P.R.: Brief Character Summaries for My Yet-to-Be-Written Play

Monday, September 22, 2003 | Fiction

Brief Character Summaries for My Yet-to-Be-Written Play

by Geoff Wolinetz

VERONICA, 34, a slightly chubby, not too bright midget with a club foot. Veronica works days at the local health club, handing out towels to the people who enter the gym’s pool area. She also enforces the “no running” rule of the pool area. This rule is there for your safety. Veronica doesn’t like to be the person who enforces it but she doesn’t want you to slip and crack your head on the tile floor either. In her spare time she knits sweaters that don’t fit.

COL. JAMESON, 55, a man of great integrity and morals, yet when pressed would club a man to death for the simple pleasure of a Klondike bar. He stands 6 feet tall with a handlebar moustache and a jagged scar that runs north to south on his right cheek, the result of intense hand-to-hand combat with a Polynesian chambermaid. He smokes a pipe, but uses tobacco from broken cigars.

CONNIE FRANCIS, 64, real name Concetta Francanero. Connie Francis is the prototype for the female pop singer of today. At the height of her chart popularity in the late 50s and early 60s, Connie Francis was unique as a female recording artist, amassing record sales surpassing those of many of her post-rock-era male contemporaries. She still challenges Madonna as the biggest-selling female recording artist of all time.

CHRISTINE, 12, a devious little imp. Christine is the daughter of wealthy industrialist Theodore Van Haddock and his domestic partner of 14 years, Maurice. Christine is a spoiled child, demanding a horse and getting a stable, demanding an unfunny comic and getting the current cast of “Saturday Night Live.” She drinks milk from the carton and writes poetry in her pajamas. If the light strikes her right, she’ll bay at the moon.

MAURICE, 32, the stepfather of Christine. Maurice works as a part-time hairdresser/jewelry designer. His black hair is blond, his blond hair black and he enjoys the music of the Monkees, particularly the work of Peter Tork (the most underrated Monkee, in his opinion). Maurice has an unquenchable appetite for peanut butter. Also, destruction.

THE LARGE-BREAST QUARTET, a foursome of buxom women designed to deflect attention from obvious holes in the plot and narrative with periodic interludes of dancing and simultaneous line recitation. The L.B.Q. are all blonde, all have a 38-DD bust line, and intensely dislike Rosie O’Donnell. They all agree that Sonny Chiba can kick Jackie Chan’s ass.

Geoff Wolinetz cannot be found on IMDb because the Hollywood community refuses to acknowledge the production of his seminal masterpiece Come What May, a gritty psychothriller starring a guy who kind of looks like Billy Baldwin and Erin Gray (formerly of "Silver Spoons"). If he were to be found on IMDb, his name would fall between "Geoff Witcher" and "Geoff Wood." In addition to his imaginary film career, Geoff also maintains an imaginary career as a baron of industry, is lead singer of the imaginary band Kick Ass, Falco, holds an imaginary Olympic gold medal and is an imaginary Pulitzer laureate in the field of journalism for his investigative piece on the albinos of Alaska.