The Travis Diaries

June 2, 2003

I really wish I were a guy named “Travis.” The name just exudes coolness. Like that guy from “WKRP.” You know, Travis. I think I’d do so well with the ladies if when I met them I could say with confidence, “Hi. My name is Travis.” Yeah, that would be good. Just say it ten times fast: Travis Travis Travis Travis TravisTravisTravis … You know what? I think “Travis” doesn’t sound so cool anymore. But what if I were named “Bart?” That would be fucking good. Yes, “Bart.” Bart Bart Bart Bartbartbartbartbartbart. Still good.

June 27, 2003

O.K., I’m serious this time. Things would be so much better if I were named Travis. Travis is a great name and conjures images of flannel shirts. I’ve always looked great in plaid. My ex-girlfriend Travisena used to tell me all the time how sexy plaid looked on me. But then she slept with Travis Tritt. God, I hate that guy—first he took my camper and then my girlfriend. What else do you want from me, Tritt?!? Maybe I’ll just change my name to “Dale.”

July 15, 2003

In retrospect, I’m glad I didn’t blow 400 bucks legally changing my name to Travis. That’d have been a huge blunder, because I just heard this rock band called Travis, and I think they stink. If I had the same name as that crap band, I’d probably shoot myself. Between that rat bastard Tritt and these assholes, I’m about to swear off all musicians named Travis. I do regret naming my dog Travis, but I’m afraid if I just give him a new name and call him “Spot” or “Rover” or what have you, I’ll simply confuse the poor dog. But the upside is maybe now that I’m over all this “Travis” nonsense, my daughter, Travis Jr., might actually talk to me again.

August 10, 2003

Look, I’m man enough to admit when I’m wrong: upon repeated listenings, the band Travis is much better than I’d previously given them credit for. I can’t say I’m a fan of their music, but the band is not, as I formerly stated, a talentless crap-filled sack of hellish suckiness. So, for me, the Travis thing is back on. Not only am I dropping off my change-of-name application at the courts tomorrow, I’m also going to have the V-I-S added to the incomplete T-R-A tattoos that grace the knuckles of my left hand. Also, my new girlfriend, Travis, and I are going to travis our travis, that is, if we don’t travis travesly. We travis travesing, though! Ha, ha. Travis?