— Fiction —

Everything Is Translated

Following is an excerpt from Jonathan Safran Foer’s acclaimed début novel, Everything Is Illuminated, in which the narrator is almost, but not quite, fluent in English. His Ukrainian translation flubs provide a delightfully clever mutilation of the English language, causing the reader to chuckle with delightfully clever confusion.

My legal name is Alexander Perchov. But all of my many friends dub me Alex, because that is a more flaccid-to-utter version of my legal name. Mother dubs me Alexi-stop-spleening-me!, because I am always spleening her. If you want to know why I am always spleening her, it is because I am always elsewhere with friends, and disseminating so much currency, and performing so many things that can spleen a mother. Father used to dub me Shapka, for the fur hat I would don even in the summer month. He ceased dubbing me that because I ordered him to cease dubbing me that. It sounded boyish to me, and I have always thought of myself as very potent and generative. I have many many girls, believe me, and they all have a different name for me. One dubs me Baby, not because I am a baby, but because she attends to me. Another dubs me All Night. Do you want to know why? I have a girl who dubs me Currency, because I disseminate so much currency around her. She licks my chops for it. I have a miniature brother who dubs me Alli. I do not dig this name very much, but I dig him very much, so O.K., I permit him to dub me Alli. As for his name, it is Little Igor, but Father dubs him Clumsy One, because he is always promenading into things. It was only four days previous that he made his eye blue from a mismanagement with a brick wall. If you’re wondering what my bitch’s name is, it is Sammy Davis, Junior, Junior. She ahs this name because Sammy Davis, Junior was Grandfather’s beloved singer, and the bitch is his, not mine, because I am not the one who thinks he is blind.

See? Delightfully clever! The above excerpt was fed into an online translation software program thingy, courtesy the good protocol droids at Systran Information and Translation Technologies. The text was translated into Russian, then back into English, providing an even more delightfully clever bungling of the English language, as no human could possibly err as greatly as a computer. The mangled results follow:

My legal name is Alexander Perchov. But entire of my many comrades dub for me Alex, because that is a more flaccid-to-speak the version of mine legal name. Mother dubs I Alexi-stopped-spleening-me!, because I am always spleening it. If you want it know then why I am always spleening she, it is because always elsewhere with comrades, and Pravda so much currency, and Yeltsin so many things that can spleen a mother. Father used to dub me Little Bear, for the fur hat I would don even in the Tolstoy month. He ceased dubbing me that because I ordered him to nyet dubbing me that. It sounded Stolichnaya to me, and I have always thought of myself as very Gorky and Pushkin. I have many many Nabakov, believe me, and they all have a different Sputnik for me. One dubs me Cossack, not because I am a Cossack, but because she rubles to me. Another dubs me Nickolai Volkoff. Do you want to know why? We will bury you. I have a girl who dubs me dosvedanya, because I disseminate so much Bolsheviks around her. She licks my glasnost for it. I have a miniature brothers Karamazov who dubs me ruskie. I do not dig this name very much, but I dig him very much, so O.K., I Rasputin him to dub me Ivan Drago. As for his borscht, it is Khrushchev’s shoe, but Father dubs him Perestroika, because he is always promenading into Gorbachev’s splotchy head. It was only four days Romanoff that he made his eye blue from a mismanagement with Billy Joel’s red concert album. If you’re wondering what my bitch’s name is, it is Oksana Baiul, Junior, Junior. She has this name because Oksana Baiul, Junior was Dostoevsky’s beloved Molotov cocktail, and the bitch is Ukraine, not Minsk, because I am not the Rochelle, Rochelle who thinks he is Soviet Socialist pierogi. Yakov Smirnoff.

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