New & Noteworthy
Sally Forth

Hey, remember The Fourth of July, 2003? We don't, but found this in our archives:

Fourth of July Fourthiness.

Independence is on the march, patriots.

& Recently . . .

Kurt Cobain's Ghost with an Invitation to a Fourth of July Picnic and Fireworks by Angela Genusa

"B.L.T.": A Review by Will Layman

Ten Tiny Poems by Brian Beatty

Angry Words from a Gnome Who to This Day Continues to Think the Human Genome Project Was Actually The Human Gnome Project by David Ng

Key Party, N.Y.C., Circa Always by William K. Burnette

A Day on the Phone with Mythological Norse Firewarrior, Bringer of Storms by Aaron Belz

Polish Fact

Zloty Exchange Rate:
(04/2004)

1 USD = 3.95 PLN
1 Euro = 4.67 PLN

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It's not TV, it's HBO.

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Monday, June 23, 2003   |    Fiction

Sports Origins

by Bobby Rufferto

Boxing

While simple “fighting” has been an entertaining distraction since prehistoric times, modern boxing was invented in London, England, in 1740 by two chaps both named Gregory.

GREGORY: What a lovely afternoon. What shall we do to pass the time, old chap?

GREGORY 2: I know! Let’s punch each other in the face until one of us falls down!

GREGORY: Splendid! Can we wear our mittens?

GREGORY: We simply must!

And the rest is history.

Golf

Golf was invented by brothers Scottie and Mac MacScotson in Glasgow, Scotland, in 1611.

SCOTTIE: Mac! Did ye see that? I just flipped my penny into yer glass o’ Glenlivet!

MAC: Ach, ye stupid fool! Ye’ve rooned me fine scotch whiskey with yer filthy pocket change!

SCOTTIE: Ha! I can do it again! I’ll do it from over that sandy trap, beyond those hills, and using this metal backscratcher to whack that dimpled rock into yer cup!

MAC: Aye, it’s a bet! But first, I owe you three black eyes! Two now, a third when one heals!

And the rest is history.

Hockey

The N.H.L. was founded in 1910 by Becky MacGillicutty and Rosie Woods, two ten-year-olds from Toronto.

BECKY: I want to go figure skating!

ROSIE: I want to play shuffleboard!

BECKY: Figure skating!

ROSIE: Shuffleboard!

BECKY: Hey … are you thinking what I’m thinking?

ROSIE: Yay!

And the rest is history.

Wrestling

The WWE (née WWF) was organized in Lexington, Kentucky, by two toothless hillbillies and their dog, Wilbur.

JESSUP: Know whut I hate about classic Greco-Roman rasslin’ ?

ZEKE: The uncomfortable, homoerotic images caused by two nearly naked men hugging and sweating?

JESSUP: Naw, I jest hate that you can’t wear a cape or face paint or pointy elf shoes. Rasslin’s jest no fun if y’all ain’t lookin’ like some cartoony character. Ain’t that right, Wilbur?

WILBUR: Arf.

And the rest is history.

Bobby Rufferto once broke his jaw on a Jawbreaker. Although it hurt incredibly, he is one to appreciate irony. He has not sued the confectioners. Do you think he should? He's conflicted: on the one hand, it hurt like hell; on the other, he now has a flip-top head which allows him to save money by buying a cheap, generic toothbrush instead of the pricey Reach toothbrush. Also, as a result, he can now entertain party guests by fitting a whole Magic 8-Ball into his mouth and shaking his head for your fortune. While we're on the subject, he did not particularly enjoy the movie Jawbreaker, but he sure digs that Rose McGowen. Oooh, she's naughty. Mr. Rufferto lives in New York, works in New Jersey, and teaches tango lessons in Iowa.