Happy Birthday, Gene Wilder!

Dear Mr. Wilder, Happy 70th! I am a HUGE fan of your books. Honestly, I used to read them over and over again as a child. My favorite character was always Missy. She got into so much trouble on the…

Cooking

by Pierre Cavanaugh

My apron says, “Kiss the Cook.” It indicates that I, the wearer, should be kissed to thank me for my cooking efforts. It doesn’t matter that I’ve burnt the potatoes Julienne. The point is I’m cooking and you, the diner,…

Puck Everlasting: Stanley Cup 2003

In which Y.P.R. proudly presents some incongruous drivel vaguely surrounding America’s fifth-favorite pasttime.

Lady, What’s With All The Cats?

by Geoff Wolinetz

Honestly, this place smells like Ed Begley Jr.’s place up in Zuma Beach after a visit from the Orkin Man. I’m having trouble breathing. Do have an oxygen mask? Or maybe a lead pipe so I can bludgeon the sense…

What Are We Doing with Our Pucks?

Candystriping and distributing to youngsters for Hallowe’en

Weighing down my pockets to ensure quick sinkage before leaping off bridge.

Wonderful new coaster for my tazo chai tea, so as not to leave rings on my foosball table.

What Are We Doing for Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals?

“Is that like some kind of horse race or something? I don’t really follow sports.” Christopher H., 22, Greenwich Village, NY “I’m going to the game. I got a great set of seats from a guy in the street for…

A Day in the Life of Phil Pritchard, Guardian of the Stanley Cup

8:00 a.m. – Good god, where’s Stanley? 8:01 a.m. – Oh, there he is. 8:05 a.m. – I can’t believe they make me wear the stupid white cotton gloves every time I touch the damn thing. 8:07 a.m. – I…

A Letter from “Toothless” Jim O’Brien, the Oldest Living Stanley Cup Winner

Hello all, My name is Jim O’Brien. I played goal for the 1922 Toronto St. Patricks. In that year, we defeated the Vancouver Millionaires by a count of 3 games to 2 to capture Lord Stanley’s Cup. Of course, it…

“Rectum? I Damn Near Killed ’Em!”

by David Abraham

Chapter Titles from Living with Your Colitis and Hemorrhoids (and Related Disorders) by Theodore Berkland, A.M., Leslie Sandlow, M.D., and Richard Shaprio, M.D. © 1975, St. Martin’s Press [Discovered for Sale at a Thrift Shop in St. Louis, Missouri,…

You’re Firing Me?

by Ray Stillman

Did you find the bottle of Stoli in my bottom-right desk drawer? Behind the hanging file folders? Because I would have locked it, but I lost the key. Do the words “gross incompetence” mean anything at all to you people?…

Happy Birthday, Gary U.S. Bonds!

Dear Mr. U.S. Bonds, Happy 64th birthday! Good lord, Gary! Do you just, like, really, really, really support the war effort? Or did you owe some back taxes and/or declare bankruptcy and work out some cruel and unusual settlement with…

An Excerpt from the Best Harlequin Romance Novel Ever

by David Silverman

“Those are some big earrings you have,” I said but I wasn’t looking at her ears. “Yes, they are.” “Also, breasts.” She slapped me, hard, and my face stung and I wasn’t sure what I’d done wrong. Her breasts were…

Happy Birthday, Marky Mark!

Dear Marky Mark, I’m going to try to get through this without crying but I can’t make any promises. I feel like … I feel like I don’t know you anymore. I mean, where’s the scornful look on your face?…

Your First Time

by Bobby Rufferto

Look, I know this is your first time at this. I understand. It’s not easy. But all I’m asking is for you to try harder. Put some zeal into it. Some oomph. Some gusto, some fervor. Enthusiasm. Passion. Pride. That’s…

How to Fix Your Canon Copier

by Brian Newell

It’s not an easy decision to come to. No one wants to put their Canon copier through such a traumatic event. But with the Canon copier population spiraling out of control and a shortage of loving homes for the little…