Gross Anatomy

by Mike Ng

Humans are very complex organisms, way more complicated than vegetables or trees, and even most birds, fish, and spiced meats. Humans have been evolving for decades and decades, and, through a controversial process called “evolution,” have shed their tails, horns,…

Happy Birthday, Mary-Kate & Ashley!

Dear M-K & A, Happy 17th birthday! Man alive, 17 years old already? It seems like just yesterday you tykes were spitting up baby drool on Uncle Jesse, and now look at you: billionaire jailbait! The cherubic objects of gold-digging,…

Re: My Afternoon

Dear Y.P.R. Editors, There are some days in a person’s life that go down in the record books. March 13, 1991, was just that for yours truly. Fresh from cutting out of 8th-period gym class, the minutes seemed like seconds…

Justin Timberlake’s Acceptance Speech for the American Society of Composers, Authors, and Publishers “Songwriter of the Year” Award

by Bobby Rufferto

Society members, fellow composers, honored guests, and others … There are so many people that I need to thank for allowing me to be here tonight to accept this prestigious award. First and foremost, I have to give…

Happy Birthday, Marv Albert!

Dear Marv, YES! Happy birthday! Look man, I understand. You are into freaky sex. Big deal. If liking hot candle wax on down your back and biting S & M mistresses is wrong, I don’t want to be right. Am…

Happy Birthday, Gene Wilder!

Dear Mr. Wilder, Happy 70th! I am a HUGE fan of your books. Honestly, I used to read them over and over again as a child. My favorite character was always Missy. She got into so much trouble on the…

Cooking

by Pierre Cavanaugh

My apron says, “Kiss the Cook.” It indicates that I, the wearer, should be kissed to thank me for my cooking efforts. It doesn’t matter that I’ve burnt the potatoes Julienne. The point is I’m cooking and you, the diner,…

Puck Everlasting: Stanley Cup 2003

In which Y.P.R. proudly presents some incongruous drivel vaguely surrounding America’s fifth-favorite pasttime.

Lady, What’s With All The Cats?

by Geoff Wolinetz

Honestly, this place smells like Ed Begley Jr.’s place up in Zuma Beach after a visit from the Orkin Man. I’m having trouble breathing. Do have an oxygen mask? Or maybe a lead pipe so I can bludgeon the sense…

What Are We Doing with Our Pucks?

Candystriping and distributing to youngsters for Hallowe’en

Weighing down my pockets to ensure quick sinkage before leaping off bridge.

Wonderful new coaster for my tazo chai tea, so as not to leave rings on my foosball table.

What Are We Doing for Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals?

“Is that like some kind of horse race or something? I don’t really follow sports.” Christopher H., 22, Greenwich Village, NY “I’m going to the game. I got a great set of seats from a guy in the street for…

A Day in the Life of Phil Pritchard, Guardian of the Stanley Cup

8:00 a.m. – Good god, where’s Stanley? 8:01 a.m. – Oh, there he is. 8:05 a.m. – I can’t believe they make me wear the stupid white cotton gloves every time I touch the damn thing. 8:07 a.m. – I…

A Letter from “Toothless” Jim O’Brien, the Oldest Living Stanley Cup Winner

Hello all, My name is Jim O’Brien. I played goal for the 1922 Toronto St. Patricks. In that year, we defeated the Vancouver Millionaires by a count of 3 games to 2 to capture Lord Stanley’s Cup. Of course, it…

“Rectum? I Damn Near Killed ’Em!”

by David Abraham

Chapter Titles from Living with Your Colitis and Hemorrhoids (and Related Disorders) by Theodore Berkland, A.M., Leslie Sandlow, M.D., and Richard Shaprio, M.D. © 1975, St. Martin’s Press [Discovered for Sale at a Thrift Shop in St. Louis, Missouri,…

You’re Firing Me?

by Ray Stillman

Did you find the bottle of Stoli in my bottom-right desk drawer? Behind the hanging file folders? Because I would have locked it, but I lost the key. Do the words “gross incompetence” mean anything at all to you people?…