¡How We’re Celebrating Cinco de Mayo!

Greg, 29
I.T. guy, Hoboken:
“I celebrated by drinking tequila, eating chalupa, dancing the samba, and masturbating to Salma.”

Gregg (Greg’s friend), 30
I.T. guy, Jersey City:
“I too drank tequila and ate chalupas with my buddy Greg. I didn’t dance the samba, though, because I broke my foot trying to kick over a fire hydrant during Mardi Gras, which is French for Cinco de Mayo … which, in turn, is Spanish for St. Patty’s day, right? Also, I didn’t jack off to Salma Hayak, because I saw the commercial for Frida and it scared the shit out of me. Instead, I chose to observe this Cinco de Mayo by fantasizing about myself and Linda Lopez, J. Lo’s newsreporting sister. ”

Lisa M., 19
student, Park Slope:
“I’m allergic to mayonnaise.”

Rico Suave, 31
retired pop singer, West Hollywood:
“I can’t celebrate Cinco de Mayo this year, because my dickhead boss wouldn’t give me the freakin’ day off, even though, historically, our gas station sees very little business on international holidays. Mo ritmo.”

Roy F., 36
delivery man, Astoria:
“I’ll be home, alone, chugging a case of Tequiza and smacking the piñata, if you know what I’m sayin’.”

George W. B., 56
civil servant, Washington, D.C.:
“I’m originally from Texas, where we take our Mexican population very seriously. Now where exactly is Mexico?”

Tommy N., 19
aspiring actor, SoHo:
“Well, I’ll be drinking lots of Corona and margaritas and such. All those lime wedges sure will help me fight off that pesky scurvy!”

Jorge R., 23
assistant manager, El Pollo Loco, Santa Monica:
“Would you like to ‘Loco-size’ that chicken burrito?”

Roger W., 48
exterminator, Utica:
“My TV’s been stuck in S.A.P. for weeks, so for me, every day is Cinco de Mayo! ¡Olé!”

Tina, 23
waitress, Forest Hills:
“Whoooooooooooooo! I’m so fecking drunk! Hahahha ha! I’ll show you my tit for a beer! I— I gotta throw up—”