Sunday, May 25, 2003
Memorial Day Mania


Dear Bess,


I miss you so much. These past six weeks in Germany have really gotten me down. Every night, we eat the same thing: sausages, wiener schnitzel, sauerbraten, knockwurst, bratwurst … I’m getting so tired of spiced meats shoved into phallic-looking tubes. I could sure go for some good old American food like frankfurters and hamburgers!

The boys are all swell. Last night, we sat around telling each other about our sweethearts back home and passing around their pictures. This one guy, Roger, is kind of weird. He wouldn’t show us a picture of “Sam,” his sweetie. And when somebody called her “Samantha,” he freaked out and started shouting, “Don’t call my sweetie ‘Samantha’!” There sure is something oddball about him, all right, but nobody knows exactly what. Heck, I don’t ask, and he doesn’t tell. Maybe he’s shell-shocked.

Then there’s this other guy, Kennedy. He’s a real jerk. He’s always stealing off into town and cavorting with the local women. Last night, he stole all the photos of our sweethearts, and wouldn’t give them back unless we promised to vote Democrat. Then he got all liquored up on some hooch, stripped to his boots, and ran around in the snow shouting, “Hey, look at me! Ich bin ein Berliner!” I guess he’s pretty funny. I’ll vote Democrat, just for him.

I can’t wait to see you, Bess. As soon as I get off that boat, let’s make out in Times Square! Make sure your sister Trudy comes and brings her camera. It’ll make a swell picture for a magazine cover someday.

Well, I’m off to kill some Krauts now. Sarge says I’ve got to try harder; I’m just not killing as many damn dirty Krauts as I should be.

Give my best to everybody back home.

Love always,
Wally

Happy Birthday, Jewel! Dear Jewel, Happy 29th Birthday! You are lucky I'm writing you a card at all. Six years ago, I wrote you a letter inviting you to my fraternity's Spring Hawaiian-themed Formal, "Wowie In Maui!" I waited patiently for your response,...
Happy Birthday, Drew Carey! Dear Drew, Happy 45th birthday! And congratulations on being you. You seem to really enjoy it. That and hookers, of course. I've been known to do dabble in hookers in my day also. Not really; just trying to make you...
Fiction
Wedding Jitters My dearest Alexandria, I’m sorry, my love, I hope you can forgive me . . . I want to call the wedding off. It’s not that I don’t love you, my little souvlaki, you know I do with all my...

Find recent content on the main index or look in the archives to find all content.

 

Syndicate

RSD | RSS I | RSS II | Atøm | Spanish

 

 

Shop
Bea!
Support

 

Submit

 

Submit

 

From the Y.P.aRchives

 

Fun, Fickle Fiction (for Free!)
Fact, Opinion, Essay, & Review
Poetry & Lyric
Advice, How To, & Self-Help
Listicles

 

Spectacular Features, Calendrical Happenings, Media Gadflies
Media Gadflies
Calendrical Happenings
The Book Club
Roasts

 

Semi-Frequent Columns
Letter from the Editors
Disquieting Modern Trends

 

Interviews
Interviews with Interviewers
One-Question Interviews

 

Correspondence (Letters To and Letters From) Letters from Y.P.R. Letters to Y.P.R. Birthday Cards to Celebrities

 

The Y.P.aRt Gallery Illustrious Illustration Photography Photomontage Graphic Design Logo Gallery

 

Pop Stars in Hotel Rooms Shreek of the Week of the Day What's Up with That? Fuit Salad Nick's Guff Vermont Girl The M_methicist Daily Garfield Digest Polish Facts: An Antidote to the Polish Joke

 

New & Noteworthy Et Cetera, Et Cetera, Et Cetera

 

Contributors' Notes

 

The Y.P.aRchives

This journal is powered by Movable Typo 4.01.

Crockpot!
© MMIII—MMVIII,
Y.P.R. & Co.