Jay-Z’s “Do Re Mi”

by Nick Jezarian

D’oh—it ain’t a motherfuckin’ deer, it’s something
Homer says when he runs out of beer
Rhymes with queer, jiggaman¹ rockin’ phat beats in your ear

Re—the light I shine on your broke ass
With my ice-laced wrist², Corona with a twist
Twisting bitches like ya sista, when H.O.V.A.³
leaves they blow kisses

Me—it ain’t a name I call myself, it’s a Chinese restaurant
I’m just out for delf⁴, I got more names to call myself,
That me is a name that y’all talk about,
That two-letter shit don’t have enough clout
For what I’m about. I’m the highness, the king of ROCAFELLA⁵,
You all fucked up looking like a French cruellah⁶

Fah—I agree with that Ho, Fah is a long way to run
To get my gun
And shoot my gat in the air for fun, people look and
pray to Shawn Carter⁷ like Aztec fools prayed to
the sun⁸
Fah, Fah Away was a dope movie
All I want for Christmas is a Uzi and a Jacuzzi filled
with floozies⁹

So—the doctors gonna need to do that when I fill
your body full of lead
Jiggaman makes it so easy, I’ll even give you platinum
thread to patch your bullet holes on the rizzzy¹⁰

La—la bouche, la rouche, crunchy cheez doodles, la floof LALALALA layla, I’m just a playa
L.A.—the other coast, I eat toast¹¹

Tea—I move more tea¹² than the party in Boston
I’m flossin, take two lumps and get jumped
T, a letter in the alphabet
WHAT?!?!?¹³

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1 An alias Jay-Z calls himself. It refers to his proficiency at jigsaw puzzles.
2 Jay-Z doesn’t really have ice on his wrist. He’s not Iceman, he is simply referring to the 5,000 carats in diamonds on his Swiss Army Watch.
3 H.O.V.A is another Jay-Z alias which implies his Nova Scotian background, except with an H to throw people off.
4 Delf is slang for “self.”
5 Rocafella is Jay-Z’s land of make believe, an idea inspired by Jay-Z’s addiction to “Mr. Rogers’ Neighborhood.”
6 Prounced KREL-AH, Jay-Z makes a clever play on the once popular donut, the French cruller
7 Jay-Z’s birth name.
8 Jay-Z feels that Aztecs were fools because they didn’t carry .9mm on their persons to protect themselves from Imperial invaders
9 Jay-Z doesn’t really want an Uzi, but it rhymes well.
10 Jay-Z is a philanthropist who offers his victims only the best treatment after he blasts their asses with one of his many guns. The police have been unable to figure out how many murders Jay-Z has actually committed but according to his songs, his body count rivals the population of Muncie, Indiana.
11 Everyone contacted had no idea what Jay-Z was talking about here. May God have mercy on his soul.
12 Tea refers to marijuana. According to his publicist, Jay-Z only rolls phat-ass blunts for medicinal purposes.
13 No one has any idea whether Jay-Z is asking a question or making a statement. Silly rapper.