— Listicles —

What's in My Oscar Goodie Bag?

Diamond-encrusted One Ring to Rule Them All, courtesy Tiffany & Co.

Sack of Y Tu Chalupas También, courtesy Taco Bell

One square inch of official Oscar red carpet

Giant foam Hand that built America

Eminem-shaped M&Ms

A potted ghost orchid that will fill you with doubt and self-loathing

Susan Sarandon’s anti-war speech, handwritten in red Sharpie on a scroll made from an unrolled roll of single-ply toilet paper

Invitation to Ben and J. Lo’s aufruf

Groucho-style disguise glasses with Virginia Woolf’s nose and Frida’s eyebrows

Invite to Ben Affleck’s bachelor party x-travaganza! (B.Y.O.B.)

Big, Fat, Greek bag o’ worthless drachmas

Mallet from The Gong Show and a bullet fired by Chuck Barris

Invite to J. Lo’s bridal shower, hosted by the Wayans brothers

One pint of ice water from Lara Flynn Boyle’s veins

Ounce of blood from the set of Jackass: The Movie

Eau d’ Weinstein

An ounce of Gwyneth’s silent angst

8 x 10 glossy of Diane Lane’s ass, from that night she got drunk and passed out on Matthew Perry’s front lawn

Randy Newman.