Old-Timey Sales Pitch

Good people of Tulsa, today is your lucky day! That’s right, I’m here just until sunset, then I’m heading up east to Missoura. So step right up and witness with your own eyes the marvelous medicinal miracle I’m about to demonstrate. Do you suffer from sleepless nights? Restless days? Do you find your-self avoiding your friends and cousins at hoedowns and hootenannies? Do you notice your hands a-shakin’, your feet a-quiverin’, your forehead a-sweatin’, your legs all jiggly-kneed? Are you obsessin’ and compulsin’? Unable to rustle up the gumption in bed? If you say you can relate to any of these devestatin’ defects, then I reckon you, my friend, suffer from a social disorder. But fear not! Relief is at hand, thanks to Pfizer & Sons’ Zoloft-Distillate Tonic! Guaranteed to add spring to your step, spice to your taste, and color to your vision! And it will ring cowbells in the haystacks, if you know what I mean. Yes, this fantastic remedy is my great-granddaddy’s very own special mixture of actual scientific chemicals, sweetened with herbs, and guaranteed to add vim and vigor to your Iife! This special recipe was kept a family secret for three generations. Alas, the Lord hasn’t seen fit to bring a child to my wife, but I’d be a damned sinner if I let this secret perish with my name, and so I bring the miracle to you, that my great-granddaddy’s wonder can live on. Now, I have here thirty bottles allocated exclusively for the good people of Tulsa. Guaranteed completely devoid of any and all side effects. May I have a volunteer from the audience? You sir, you look like a brave fella. Yes, yes, come right on up. What’s your name, young fella? Horace? My wife’s brother’s name is Horace. Now Horace, do you solemnly swear to your friends and neighbors here that you and I have never met until this very moment? O.K. then, Horace, I’m gonna pour you a nice tall glass o’ Pfizer & Sons’ Zoloft-Distillate Tonic. Drink it on up! Tasty, ain’t it? Mmmm. I start off every morning with a glass, and another before bed-time. Now, how’s that, Horace? You feel yourself rejuvenated? Reënergized? Revigorated? Look at the boy, folks, he’s glowin’ in the dark! Horace, I tell ya what I’m gonna do. For bein’ such a brave soul, I’m gonna give you two free bottles, yes, two! Go ahead, take ‘em! Now, folks, who wants a bottle? Whoa, whoa, easy now, step in line please, one at a time, one at a time … Less than two percent of users will experience mild cases of tummy-rumblin’, vomittin’, blurry eyes, high fevers, and loose stools. Thank you, thank you, O.K., it’s gettin’ dark, folks, I must be shufflin’ off. Thank you, Tulsa! I’ll be back this a-way come the harvest.