L’Chiam!

Selections of Female Body Types Available as Dating Preferences, According to Jdate.com, an Internet Dating Service for Jewish Singles

Selections Not Available from Jdate.com

Selections from
Say It in Yiddish
Edited by Uriel Weinreich and Beatrice Weinreich,
Part of the Dover “Say It” Series, 1958,
&
One Selection from My Grandmother

Is this table reserved?
Tsee iz DEHR TISH reh-zehr-VEERT?

That one will be free soon.
YEH-nehr vet bahld zin FRI.

Please serve us quickly.
ZIT ah-zoy GOOT, bah-DEENT oondz GEEKH

This is not clean.
Daws eez NIT RAYN.

I want something simple.
Eekh VIL eh-pes PAW-shets.

Not too spicy.
NIT TOSOO BSAW-mim-dik.

I like the meat cooked rare (well done).
Eekh hawb HAWLT ahz daws FLAYSH eez NIT dehr-BRAW-t’s (GOOT DOORKH-geh braw-t’n).

This is overcooked.
Daws iz EE-behr-geh-kawkht.

This is undercooked.
Dawz iz NIT dehr-KAWKHT.

This is too tough (sweet, sour).
Daw iz TSOO HART (ZEES, ZOY-her).

This is cold.
Daws iz KAHLT.

Take it away, please.
NEMT es TSOO, ZIT ah-zoy GOOT.

I did not order this.
Eekh hawb daws NIT bah-SHTELT.

The check, please.
Dem KHESH-b’n, ZIT ah-zoy GOOT.

Is the tip included?
Tsee iz daws TRINK-gelt ah-RIN-geh-reh-kh’nt?

Is the service charge included?
Tsee iz dehr bah-DEE-noongg-awp-tsawl ah-RIN-geh-reh-kh’nt?

What are these charges for?
Fahr VAWS hawt eer daw geh-REH-kh’nt?

There is a mistake in the bill.
Es iz fah-RAHN ah TAW-es in KHESH-b’n.

Ask the head waiter to come here.
BET dem HOYPT-kel-nehr KOO-men ah-HEHR.

Go crap in the ocean, schmuck.
gay KAHK’n awf’n YAM, SCHMUCK.

Middle-Earth Names That Could Be Yiddish Words or Phrases

Gimli (n.) - Foolish person.
Synonyms: yutz, nebbish, shmendrick
My nephew, Nathan, such a good heart, but, oy, what a gimli.

Pippin (n.) - Penis (diminutive).
Synonyms: Schmuck, putz, schmecke
Always schedule a bris in early in the morning; you don’t want the moyel should have to many glasses of wine as the day goes on, he’ll slip with the knife and butcher the baby’s pippin.

Gandalf (interj.) - Oh heavens!
Similar: Oy vey! Oy gevalt!
Oy gandalf! What a shondah!

Bilbo (n.) - A big nose.
Synonym: schnoz
She could have such a pretty punim, if not for that bilbo! Oy, what a meiskiet.

Frodo (v.t.) - Throw it away!
Feh! That whitefish stinks like death! Frodo! In the trash, and the trash can out the window!

Smeagol (n.) - A bagel overloaded with cream cheese and lox, with the cream cheese squishing through the vortex.
[Etymology: shmear + bagel; early 1800s, Poland]
Oy gandalf, I’m stuffed. I ate a smeagol so big if you saw it, you’d jump out the window.

Éowyn (n.) - A tall, svelte Aryan, usually blonde and blue-eyed.
Charlize Theron? Now there’s an eowyn to bring home to your mother. What a looker!

Gollum (n.) - Lower back pain, esp. from lifting something heavy.
[Not to be confused with golem: a demonic monster made of earth and clay.]
I’d help you with the packages but I have a gollum like the end of the world. You should never know such pain. Oy gandalf!

Gríma Wormtongue(n.) - 1. A filthy mouth; 2. A person who swears.
Who ever heard such a grima wormtongue on such a young boy? Your mother should be ashamed.