Happy Birthday, Gloria Steinem!
Dear Ms. Steinem,
Happy 69th Birthday!
Ms. Steinem, I hope you take a moment on this, your special day, to reflect upon the incredible changes you’ve brought the world in your 69 backbreaking, bra-burning, angry years … Why, without you there’d be no televised women’s volleyball on ESPN2; all pornography would be normal man/woman stuff, no girl-on-girl action; there would be no lady cops, and thus, no strippers dressed like lady cops. Mr. Steinem, this world is truly a better place thanks to you and your equality stuff.
But there’s still room for improvement in this world, Mike. I come to you looking for some divine advice. You see, my girlfriend, Jennipher, is one of those neo-hippie, vegan, crunchy types … Now, I don’t care that she hugs trees and won’t eat steak rare; that’s all fine and good. But now she’s taken to not shaving the pits or legs. And that’s all kinds of gross. Anytime I suggest something, it launches her into this five-minute feminist tirade about double standards of beauty and hygiene for men and women and blah blah blah. She drives me nuts. I’ve been trying subliminal psychology, like I’ll remark “Wow! This silk shirt is so SMOOTH I can’t control my emotions!” or “Hey, this Mexican hairless is so nice and SMOOTH I want to rub it all day!” But nothing works on her. So, any suggestions to re-feminize/de-feministize this chick?
Thanks in advance,
Josh