Happy Birthday, Joey Buttafuoco

Dear Jospeh,

Happy 47th Birthday!

I was shocked to look at my watch and find that it has been over a decade since you have been in the public eye. I think I speak for most of America when I say, “Where have you been?” or “We miss you,” or “Do you still have those zebra-striped muscle pants that you wore when you were diddling the high-school chick in the back of the garage?” America wants to know!

Also, your name: Is it pronounced “Butta-foo-co” or is it “Butta-foo-O-co”? Or is it neither of those? I’m pretty solid on the “Butta” part; it’s the “fuoco” part that’s a real noodle-scratcher. I’ve been confused since you made your first TV appearance, all those years ago. Those were salad days, weren’t they? Oh, yes, indeed. You were the first bizarre scandal in a long series: Tonya Harding, Lorena Bobbit, et cetera. You set the standard, my friend.

Coraggio!

Geoff Wolinetz (“Wolla-netz”)