— Letters (from) —

Dear M&M's

M&M’s/MARS
Attn: Consumer Affairs Department
800 High Street
Hackettstown, N.J. 07840

Dear Green M&M,

Your chocolate candies are so freaking great! Seriously, I love them as if they were my own little, multi-colored, chocolate children. You guys blow Skittles away, and Reese’s Peeses should feel embarrassed to sit beside you on the bodega shelf. In short, M&M’s rock!

But there’s one thing that really gets my noodle in a tit: You promise your product will melt within the confines of my mouth, but not in my hand, and so far you’ve made good on that. Even after holding loose candies in my fists during bare-knuckle boxing matches, your product remained firmly non-melted, non-mushy, and still delicious. (That’s an old boxing tradition, by the way. It makes it sound like the other guy’s teeth are a-rattlin’ when you knock him just so. Try it sometime!)

However, while you don’t melt, as promised, the paint sure does rub off your hard candy shells and onto my hands! Every time I enjoy M&M’s, I’m left with orange, yellow, green, brown, blue and red smears all over my palms and fingertips! It’s like I got Pollock hands! If I wanted multicolored fingers, Mars, I’d juggle cooked beets and Magic Markers with no caps.

Am I mishandling your product? Do I have overactive sweat glands? I’ve conducted a brief poll, and of thirty-seven people surveyed, all but one shared similar experiences while handling your product. Clearly, the fault lies with you, Mars. Are you scraping the barrel for cheap food dye? Are you not paying your painters enough, and are they therefore disaffected and/or disenchanted with the whole candy-painting process?

I suggest maybe you look into some sort of shellac or sealant that will keep your colors steadfast while not aversely affecting the taste or the health of the loyal M&M eater.

Fix it, Mars. Fix it.

Sincerely,
Josh Abraham

P.S. What are your feelings on Eminem? Surely you’ve noticed the eerie similarity in names. Are you for or against? You simply cannot be neutral on the subject. What about MGM? Anything? How about Auntie Em?