— Listicles —

Bruce Vilanche's To-Do List

March 23, 2003

• finish that joke about The Pianist … I know a punch line’s in there somewhere.
• groom curly golden locks
• corner Billy Crystal; ask why he won’t return my calls
• need punchline for that joke about Nicole’s fake nose and Steve Martin’s old Roxanne nose …
• lick pudding off my Grimace T-shirt
• eat half-dozen éclairs
• think of joke re: Chicago’s Zellweger & Zeta-Jones … letter Z … is there anything there? zebras? Zeus?
• make clever joke about war in Iraq/my pet macaque
• corner Whoopi; ask why she won’t return my calls
• polish my Emmy
• seesaw with Michael Moore
• work on that “Big Fat Greek Wedding/Big Fat Gay Variety-Show Writer” joke
• cry self to sleep for mid-afternoon nap
• eat remaining half-dozen éclairs
• bubble bath with Michael Moore
• Lord of the Rings/of the Dance: is that too predictable? can McKellan still dance?
• corner Martin Mull; ask why he won’t return my calls
• 20-minute belching session
• practice shadow puppets for Julia
• if belching session goes well, challenge Dame Judi to Belching Contest
• do annual sit-up
• schedule waxing
• find more éclairs
• last-minute cry
• showtime!