Y.P.R.: A TV-Commercial Script

Wednesday, March 26, 2003 | Fiction

A TV-Commercial Script

by Ray Stillman

Two TEENAGE GIRLS spot a PREPPIE GUY strutting in the distance. They giggle and swoon, then chase after him.

Off screen, two Aretha-sounding SOUL DIVAS sing:

First Singer (Second Singer):
Who’s that walkin’ down the street? (Who?)
That boy with the funky beat— (Who him?)
Hey there, handsome— (Heeeey there!)
Is that a salami in yo’ pocket? (What?)
Salami! (Girl, you said it!)

Announcer:
Salami Pants! New from Old Navy!
Made with an extra large interior pocket! Now you can carry your salami anywhere!
To the beach!
To the movies!
Even to work!

First Singer (Second Singer):
Ooooh yeah!
(Look at that salami!)
It’s so biiiiig!
(Mmm, it looks delicious!)

Announcer:
Salami Pants! Available in many styles!
Oscar Mayer!
Hebrew Nat!

First Singer (Second Singer):
(Don’t forget Genoa!)
Come here, salami boy!

Announcer:
Old Navy Salami Pants! Now on sale! Only at Old Navy!

Ray Stillman once killed a man with his bare hands, although he is not one to brag about such things. He is an aspiring screenwriter, an inspiring poet, and a perspiring photographer. Mr. Stillman is an ex-New Yorker who now lives in scenic, sunny, star-saturated Los Angeles, in an apartment building between a bowling alley and a tatoo parlor. He often finds it difficult to resist the urge to ink "Gutter balls" across the knuckles of his left hand. He has made sweet, sweet love with supermodel Heidi Klum many, many times but, again, is not one to brag.