Y.P.R.: Why I Will Never Win the Nobel Peace Prize

Tuesday, February 25, 2003 | Fiction

Why I Will Never Win the Nobel Peace Prize

by Geoff Wolinetz

Nobel Prize Nomination Committee 1220 Alfred Nobel Way Oslo, Norway

January 31, 2003

Dear Mr. Wolinetz,

On behalf of the Nobel Committee, I would like to thank your for the submission of your application for consideration for the 2002 Nobel Peace Prize. Your submission came as quite a shock to us initially as we were not only unfamiliar with your work but nominations generally come from people other than the nominee. That said, we have reviewed your application and must unfortunately reject your bid for nomination.

We conducted a background check with the local authorities in your area. Your 1996 ticket in Binghamton, NY, for public urination particularly troubled us. Though this is only a minor breach of the law, we do insist that our nominees have flawless bowel and sphincter control.

Furthermore, though your references do check out for the most part, we were unable to reach a “Mr. Craven Morehead” at the telephone number that you have listed. Has Mr. Morehead relocated since the completion and submission of your application? We do also insist that the references of our nominees measure up somewhat to the standards of the Nobel committee. The listing of one of your references, a Ms. Angie Dickinson, at “no fixed address” is somewhat troubling.

Finally, though we are sure that your service to the international community is beyond reproach, you have failed to thoroughly demonstrate this on your application. Though your trip to Amsterdam in the summer of 2002 did appear to be a great effort at uniting yourself with the world, we fail to see how teaching a Dutch man how to “carb” and watching him get “totally blitzed” contributes positively to the situation on the European continent. Additionally, while calling Sally Struthers to “get [yourself] one of those Third World kids” is noble, your method is somewhat unsound, particularly when it leads to Ms. Struthers issuing a restraining order.

Once again, Mr. Wolinetz, I would like to thank you for your submission to the Committee. Please continue to do all you can to help the world community. As we say here in Norway, you can fish the herring out of the water but it won’t salt itself.

Regards,
Fredrik Nygaard

Geoff Wolinetz cannot be found on IMDb because the Hollywood community refuses to acknowledge the production of his seminal masterpiece Come What May, a gritty psychothriller starring a guy who kind of looks like Billy Baldwin and Erin Gray (formerly of "Silver Spoons"). If he were to be found on IMDb, his name would fall between "Geoff Witcher" and "Geoff Wood." In addition to his imaginary film career, Geoff also maintains an imaginary career as a baron of industry, is lead singer of the imaginary band Kick Ass, Falco, holds an imaginary Olympic gold medal and is an imaginary Pulitzer laureate in the field of journalism for his investigative piece on the albinos of Alaska.