The Semi-Private Thoughts of Connie Chung
12:08 p.m.
I can’t believe I slept till two o’clock. I’m so hung over. Where’s Maury? My head hurts.
12:15 p.m.
Oh, it’s twelve, not two. Whew. Thank God. What do I have to do today? Hmmm. Nothing. Good. Where’s Maury?
12:38 p.m.
I can’t believe how much I threw up. What the hell was that pink stuff? Shit, where’s the remote?
1:15 p.m.
There’s nothing on television. I wish we had Showtime.
1:46 p.m.
Did Maury eat all the Triscuits? Pig.
2:13 p.m.
I swear to God, if Lisa Ling calls for “advice” again, I’m going to poke her eyes out.
2: 22 p.m.
“Face to Face with Connie Chung.” “Eye to Eye with Connie Chung.” I think my next show should be “Head to Head.” Nah, that sounds like a porno.
2: 47 p.m.
Tootie, Blair, Jo … what was the fat one’s name again? Valerie? Mallory? Something like that.
3: 01 p.m.
So middle name, street name … I’d be Yu-Hwa Jefferson if I was a porn star. “Head to Head with Yu-Hwa Jefferson.” That’s not so funny.
3: 19 p.m.
Did Maury make that Wang Chung joke again last night? I can’t remember. He’s an ass when he’s drunk.
3:22 p.m.
“Tit to Tit with Wang Chung.” Hahahaha. Oh, where do I come up with this?
3:26 p.m.
Sonovabitch! I can’t believe Ling got Barbara Walters to call me on her behalf. What is this, junior high?
3:34 p.m.
I should have said, “20/20 this, Barb.” Shit, always think of these things too late.
3:51 p.m.
Maybe if I “accidentally” call her Lucy Liu, she’ll stop calling me entirely. Ooh—what’s this? Johnny Walker Blue? Hmm.
4:19 p.m.
I hope Bill and Hillary don’t bring up the earrings they bought me for Christmas. I lose everything. I’m terrible.
4:38 p.m.
I can’t believe I finished a whole bottle.
4:39 p.m.
There’s got to be more liquor somewhere in this house.
5:03 p.m.
I think I’ll prank call Rather.
5:05 p.m.
Shit! He recognized my voice. I know he did. Shit. Shit.
5:08 p.m.
Where the hell is Maury? Seriously. Not cool. If he’s not lying in a ditch somewhere, I’m going to be pissy.
5:12 p.m.
Ooh, good! There’s some Stoli left. Whew.
5:19 p.m.
Well that didn’t last nearly as long as I … how the hell did my earrings get in the freezer? I swear I think Maury plays pranks. I don’t get his sense of humor. Stupid idiot.
5:26 p.m.
Everybody have fun tonight … Maury’s gonna wang Chung tonight … hahahahhahaha … . Oh, mercy.
5:45 p.m.
What’s that smell?
5:51 p.m.
Where the hell is that rat bastard?
5:52 p.m.
Seriously, what is that smell?
5:59 p.m.
Oh my god. What is that pink stuff?
6:03 p.m.
Maaaaaaaaaury’s home!
6:15 p.m.
Does he even know I’m drunk?
6:17 p.m.
Man, he does not shut up. I have no idea what he’s talking about. I think I should nod and say, “Interesting,” just like on my show. Yes! He bought it.
6:35 p.m.
That man is so full of hot air. I can’t believe we’re cleaned out of liquor. I should do a show on liquor. O.K., if Maury doesn’t shut up in the next five minutes, I’m going to take off my pants.
6:41 p.m.
That was quick.
6:42 p.m.
Natalie! That was it, Natalie. Of course.