Y.P.R.: Dear Sierra Mist

Monday, February 24, 2003 | Letters (from)

Dear Sierra Mist

by Geoff Wolinetz

Sierra Mist
PepsiCo, Inc.
700 Anderson Hill Road
Purchase, NY 10577

Dear Sierra Mist,

I must admit that at first I was suspicious. My love of lemon-lime (“limon”) sodas is no secret in the international community. When I was notified that there would be another limon soda entering the already flooded market, I was wary. Not since the introduction of “Slice” in the mid-1980s had there been a quality addition to the limon omnibus. Let us not speak of the tragedy of the generic brands (Lemon-Up, Sprime, and that Mexican knock-off ¡Limón!). If I had my druthers, all substandard limon beverages mass-produced by supermarkets looking to present a cheap alternative would be poured into the River Styx, bound for hell. Do you understand me? HELL!

Your commercial campaign, aggressively presented during Super Bowl XXXVII, almost deterred me from sampling your beverage. I am an ardent fan of football. Nothing primes my pump like a good pigskin contest and a brimming glass of any given quality limon beverage. Your commercials appeared stupid and pointless to me. Did you see the one with Willie Nelson though? That guy is hilarious.

I am straying from the subject. Your commercials notwithstanding, academic curiosity prompted me to sample your beverage while I was out replenishing the various staples of my kitchen during our most recent blizzard. I was running low on pickles, Egg Beaters® and Mallomars. In any event, I spotted your beverage in the refrigerator and purchased it. It was invigorating! A delicious and well-balanced concoction of both lemon and lime flavors. It was a loin-tingling experience. Your beverage is a wonderful and delicious addition to the limon family.

Now, whenever the mood for celebration strikes, how do I consummate it? A tall, refreshing glass of Sierra Mist! Thank you, Sierra Mist, for giving a limon fan something to live for.

Refreshingly,
Geoff Wolinetz
Vice-President,
Foundation for a Limon America

Geoff Wolinetz cannot be found on IMDb because the Hollywood community refuses to acknowledge the production of his seminal masterpiece Come What May, a gritty psychothriller starring a guy who kind of looks like Billy Baldwin and Erin Gray (formerly of "Silver Spoons"). If he were to be found on IMDb, his name would fall between "Geoff Witcher" and "Geoff Wood." In addition to his imaginary film career, Geoff also maintains an imaginary career as a baron of industry, is lead singer of the imaginary band Kick Ass, Falco, holds an imaginary Olympic gold medal and is an imaginary Pulitzer laureate in the field of journalism for his investigative piece on the albinos of Alaska.