Friday, February 7, 2003

— Letters (from) —
Dear Lesotho

7 February 2003

Ministry of Communications
P.O. Box 36
Maseru -Lesotho
Africa

Dear Lesotho,

I don’t know the right way to say this to you. I’ve been hiding my feelings for so long, it’s tough to say them out loud. I figure that writing this letter to you is the best way to tell you all the things I’ve wanted to say to you since we first met.

I’m in love with you, Lesotho. I know what you are going to say. You are going to say that you love me too. I’m going to say, “No, I know that you love me, but I am in love with you.” There will be an awkward pause. I do not know what your response will be, Lesotho, but let me see if I can get you to see things my way.

I have loved you from the first moment that I met you, at the Organization of African Unity meeting four years ago. I was an intrepid reporter with stars in his eyes, searching to glean as much information as I possibly could for my article on that ramshackle organization. You were a struggling nation, facing low revenue from exports due to limited natural resources and mounting inflation. Your flaws made you all the more attractive to me.

Remember, when you held the door open for me, Lesotho, and our eyes met. I fell in love with you at that moment, but you only had eyes for New York Times correspondent Marc Lacey. My heart sank when I saw the two of you walk into the O.A.U. cocktail party and square dance that night together, arm in arm. I swore at that moment that I would do everything I could to win your affection. You and Marc parted ways later that year. We began to spend a lot of time together. I feel we have developed our friendship to heights that I have never explored with another nation. Liberia broke my heart, Lesotho. You gave me the strength to love again.

I fear that this will ruin our friendship but if that’s the case, so be it. I cannot hold these feelings back anymore, Lesotho. It would make me the happiest man alive if you told me you feel the same way. No matter your response, just know that I am willing to wait for you, Lesotho. You are a very special nation. With me, you will always have most favored nation status.

Yours forever,
Geoff

P.S. Do you have my Bruce Springsteen CD? I can’t find it anywhere.

Geoff Wolinetz cannot be found on IMDb because the Hollywood community refuses to acknowledge the production of his seminal masterpiece Come What May, a gritty psychothriller starring a guy who kind of looks like Billy Baldwin and Erin Gray (formerly of “Silver Spoons”). If he were to be found on IMDb, his name would fall between “Geoff Witcher” and “Geoff Wood.” In addition to his imaginary film career, Geoff also maintains an imaginary career as a baron of industry, is lead singer of the imaginary band Kick Ass, Falco, holds an imaginary Olympic gold medal and is an imaginary Pulitzer laureate in the field of journalism for his investigative piece on the albinos of Alaska.

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