LITERARY PLAGUE

SOME THINGS YOU OUGHT TO HAVE MENTIONED BEFORE YOU BROUGHT ME, YOUR IRISH-CATHOLIC BOYFRIEND, TO MEET YOUR PARENTS AT MY FIRST SEDER EVER WITH YOUR ORTHODOX FAMILY

by
Mick Stingley

1. We won't be eating for hours. I know you said this before—but I thought you were kidding around. What kind of holiday is this? You said, "Jews love to eat!" I don't get it. I thought I was going to pass out.
   
   
2. This might have gone better if you mentioned that I should cover my tats.
   
   
3. The "Haggadah" your family uses is in Hebrew only. Why did you say for me to volunteer to read in order to impress your folks if you knew this? "Bah-rouk Hatah Adenoy El-O-Heynou"—You could have written out the phonetic translation for me.
   
   
4. You said your dad had a good sense of humor. I thought he would laugh about the Ramses/condom thing, and the Nissan/car thing. I was just trying to ease the tension after the whole "tats" issue.
   
   
5. I went out on Thursday nights, I never watched "Seinfeld". Once or twice—but I don't know every episode by heart. It's just a TV show; get over it. Rather than argue with me, you could explain what a "soup Nazi" is.
   
   
6. Didn't know that you don't smoke in front of your family. But, seriously, after three hours of frog plagues and bad singing, I needed a cigarette!
   
   
7. That your nieces are so uptight. I thought they liked music: that's why I invited them to see Metallica!
   (And P.S. "Creeping Death" is about Passover! Duh!)
   
   
8. Maybe I'm not the first person to make a joke about "hiding the Afikomen", but you didn't have to kick me under the table like that.
   
   
9. Your dad's friend was telling Jew-jokes all night. My Jewish-lawyer joke was funny—in fact, it wasn't even a "Jewish" joke: "It was so cold tonight I saw a lawyer with his hands in HIS OWN pockets!" That's hardly anti-Semitic!
   
   
10. I never said that Jesus Christ was the Messiah; I only said he was the Messiah for the Catholics. I get it that you guys are still waiting.
    
    
11. The moror is, like, horseradish. You know how I hate that stuff.
    
    
12. The cake was awesome. How was I to know that your nieces hadn't been served?
    
    
13. I love Mad Max; you know this. My point was that Mel Gibson only acted in Mad Max. I think your family overreacted.
    
    
14. I'm sorry I laughed at your aunt's name. I know she's Israeli—but "Schlomete"? C'mon—how can I not laugh???
    
    
15. The Four Questions thing. I thought this was wide open and I was trying to participate, like you suggested. I didn't mean to make your nieces cry.
    
    
16. Your uncle's 7th Inning speech on "What it means to be Jewish" was boring on a level reserved for the "Morpheus" character in both Matrix sequels. Your Mom rolled her eyes, too.
    
    
17. The whole kepah thing might have stayed on if we brought bobby pins.
    
    
18. No pork and no shellfish? What kind of religion is this?
    
    
19. David Lee Roth is Jewish. Your Mother's side of the family is "Roth." I had to ask!
    
    
20. By the way—GUINNESS IS KOSHER. I checked it out. According to the Chicago Rabbinical Council's alcohol list on kashrut.com, Irish stouts are kosher. That makes Guinness kosher! IN YOUR FACE!!!