Yankee Pot Roast

Wednesday, February 16, 2005 | Fiction

Pimpin' Like a Pirate

by Nick Jezarian

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. I'm happy to introduce our next performer, Pete the Pimpin' Pirate. Pete descends from a long line of piracy, dating all the way back to the dreadful Lazy Eye Lester, who terrorized the high seas along the Nova Scotia borders in the 17th Century.

Pete’s pimpin’ piracy has evolved to stay relevant in the mainstream popular culture. He is here today to entertain and educate with his instructional hip-hop medley, “Pimpin’ Like a Pirate.” Please give a warm A.A.R.P. welcome to Pirate Pete!

[Applause.]

O.K., class, check it out real closely and see how I break this pirate living down. O.K., yo...

My left hand is a hook,
My booty I took
Always squint with one eye wherever I look
A nice wooden peg
Serves as me leg
I'll run you through if you confuse a pirate with Queequeg
Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum
Rum and pillaging is most of my fun
I say ARRRRRRRRR with a passion
I'm a slave to pirate fashion
With perfectly torn sea trousers, I look perfectly dashing
If I say ARRRR ARRRRR ARRRRR, that means that I'm laughing.

[Chorus:]
It's just the way that I live, yo
Like a pirate out to get his booty, yo
But yo ho ho and a bottle of rum
I'm gonna pimp like a pirate till my days are done.
If you live by these high rules on the seven high seas
You'll be a perfectly good pirate, just like me

A good pirate name is Pete
Salty meats make good sea eats
Make an effort to plunder every ship that I greet
For good measure, I have an eye made of glass
And an eye patch if you prefer class
I wear my eye patch to every gala ball that I crash
I'm always sure to call every lady a lass
I live by the seas and I'm gonna die from scurvy
Imperial ships make me stomach a little nervy

[Chorus:]
It's just the way that I live, yo
Like a pirate out to get his booty, yo
But yo ho ho and a bottle of rum
I'm gonna pimp like a pirate till my days are done.
If you live by these high rules on the seven high seas
You'll be a perfectly good pirate, just like me

Carry a big knife or a smart little sword
You'll be a good pirate if you heed my word
Any good pirate ship's got a plank
And an underbelly that's perfectly rank
The worse that I smell, it's the more rum that I drank
"Ahoy there, matey" is the way I say "hi".
Have a parrot on me shoulder, admit it, it's fly
If you live by these high rules on the seven high seas
You'll be a perfectly good pirate, just like me

Nick Jezarian is clearly a superbly built creation resulting from the union of man, woman, and crustacean. Nick's crustacean heritage contributes to his being mostly belligerent, constantly angry, yet always amused. Considering Nick's criminal spelling and grammar habits, the fact that he is part of the Y.P.R. brain trust doesn't say much about the site. Josh and Geoff have driven Nick's writing to new levels as he sends his Guff to the staff in an elaborate binary code that can only be deciphered by the light of pixie dust. Nick is Y.P.R.'s resident hip-hop expert, as he owns three CDs and once stabbed 50 Cent. Nick's favorite word is "word."

Permanently hyperlinked via http://www.yankeepotroast.org/main/archives/2005/02/pimpin_like_a_p.html