LITERARY DASHPOT

Dear Heinz Ketchup

Heinz “Say Something Ketchuppy! II” Contest Entries
P.O. Box 5075
Clinton, Iowa
52736-5075

Dear Heinz Ketchup,

How’ve you been? It’s been too long. I’m sorry I never replied to your last correspondence. I was real busy for a while, you know, just doing stuff, and then suddenly it felt like too much time had passed, and I felt a little awkward about contacting you with no good excuse for not writing back sooner. But here I am. Let’s not go a year without speaking again.

Anyway:

Enclosed, please find my entry to the second “Say Something Ketchuppy!” contest. I’ve printed my eight-words-or-less funny phrase on a 3’ x 5’ card, as per the contest details printed on the backside of my Heinz tomato ketchup (mine says, will work for food (ha!)), which I purchased even though it was not necessary. Also, you’ll find that I’ve limited just one (1) mail-in entry per postmarked envelope. I’ve even enclosed a self-addressed, stamped envelope for further details on the contest. I figure, why not? Also: where exactly is this contest prohibited and therefore void?

I’ve taken the liberty of constructing a mockup of my entry (also enclosed), because I think the visual aid reinforces the slogan’s maximum impact while driving home brand awareness and reïnforcing consumer confidence. (I used to teach marketing at Kingsborough Community College.) Whatever, I make awesome visuals. I’m better than Michelangelo at PhotoShop.

You kick Hunt’s ass.


Best wishes,
Josh Abraham
Sloganeer


P.S. I’ve also enclosed an awesome picture I stumbled upon via Google Images of a pert young strawberry-blonde girl who really enjoys your ketchup. Feel free to use this for your monitor’s wallpaper.

J. Abraham is coëditor of this cruddy rag.